23/07/2022
There are things that we do to keep ourselves on track that may seem ridiculous to others. For me, food has always been my kryptonite so I gotta keep that on a short leash. That short leash is writing down everything I eat and drink into this little app called myFitnessPal (great app and cannot recommend it enough).
The past week had been pretty hectic and with my mental health slipping back a little bit I felt like I just couldn't be bothered recording what I ate. There was one day where I had a 5 hour wait in the truck (5 hours is not normal) and so I had a bag of food that I just started eating....and eating.....and eating. Now the food wasn't super bad, mostly salad, apples, tuna, sardines, and a couple of protein bars. I had more than enough food but I ate the lot.
myFitnessPal counts the calories, and I don't normally worry about them, but I went 1,200 cals over my recommended limit. I felt bad about myself, negative thoughts of "you're useless/weak/not worthy/etc". All those thoughts just derailed me. So I stopped recording my food because I didn't want to feel shameful or guilty. And to some extent I was also feeling grief at the loss of my own self-control. I figured if I didn't write it down then it would be my own secret....but then I'm not being honest with myself.
The negative thoughts are what I'm desperately trying to shut out. But I should actually let them in and process them for what they are. LIES!!! I am productive. I have strength. I AM worthy. I don't need to feel guilty about eating something that's not benefiting me, instead I ned to process WHY I wanted to eat/drink that.
Thinking back to that 5 hours waiting in the truck, what could I have done different? I could have gone for a short walk around the yard. I could have called a friend. I could have done many different things. It all came down the the choices I made...even though I was oblivious to the result.
This quote from Van Gogh sums it up well for me this week. "Great things are done by a series of small things brought together."
So this week it's back to the small things. Write things down and know that it's OK to also record the speed bumps.
Slow down.
Small steps.
You'll get there.