06/12/2025
I’ve been trying to sleep before work tonight but have not been successful! So what does my mind do when it can’t settle … it thinks … overthinks a lot of the time but none the less it thinks!
Big Mumma is TIRED! Physically … emotionally and mentally!
I wish almost daily that my body wasn’t in pain 24 hours a day. I wish that I had the dedication to stick to a plan. I wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. The pain is something I have to learn to live with. It’s never going away. Hey but this can be seen as an excuse.
I’m sick of being a failure! I’m sick of letting everyone down but most of all I’m sick of letting myself down. This is the cycle I need to break! I need to remember that I am worthy of self love. One day … it will all sink in.
I can remember saying at the beginning of the year … this is my year. By New Years I’ll be skinny. Yeah look at them results! Non fu***ng existent and that’s because I am always starting over.
I have seen s**t over social media how being tired and working and having a family blah blah blah are just excuses! Well if that’s the case I am the queen of excuses. Sign me up to get the gold for that 😂
I work permanent nights … which yes that is my choice … but I’m proud to say I work fu***ng hard for the money I earn to support my family. I love my job (not the toxicity that occurs in the workplace) and I do what needs to be done to ensure it’s done well! I have a husband that works to provide for our family and I love him for it but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to. On top of working, I am a mother … a wife … a sister and a daughter! This means that my family come first. I need to make sure that my girls are taken care of (school lunches, extra curricula activities) and that my husband has meals for lunch. I have school pick up and drop off and doctors appointments to attend with my mum. I am studying to be a RN. Some days it can be so overwhelming.
I know everyone is fighting a battle that no one knows about. I can confidently say I have been through the worst thing a person could go through. Yes it’s been 9 years but that s**t NEVER EVER leaves your mind. It’s subconsciously there 24/7. There will be days that I will have panic attacks and it won’t register for a day or so why. Then something will flicker and I’ll remember a certain date that has triggered something in my mind. These days can be horrible. It can feel like you have a heavy weight on your body and you just can’t move. It’s like someone is sitting on your chest and you are struggling to breath.
The list goes on! So if these are excuses to some … let me raise my hand to say I AM THE QUEEN OF EXCUSES! Gold goes to Big Mumma. Let’s hope one day I can be as perfect as you!
I do plan on making time for me though! I just need to learn how to switch off the brain and sleep! Not sleeping doesn’t help. By mid week I’m exhausted and just don’t want to do anything extra.
Sorry for the long rant but I needed to get it off my chest.
