28/12/2021
Loving what your body was able to achieve in growing & birthing a human is so easy.
However, loving your post partum body isn’t. & I think that’s something that is incredibly hard to go through, & even harder for others to understand.
It’s a constant wave.
Appreciation, mixed with discomfort.
Admiration, mixed with insecurities.
Confidence, mixed with something that’s often kept quiet. Repulsion.
I see your emotions, & I feel them too.
I’ve been pretending that I’m okay with it for too long. & I can’t keep it up. I don’t feel authentic. You may have noticed I haven’t posted about body image for a while, & this is why. I couldn’t be my authentic self because I wasn’t being honest about how I was feeling. I felt like I “couldn’t” feel these emotions.
The post partum journey isn’t an easy experience to describe at the best of times. The main point of this post is to acknowledge that it isn’t a breeze.
It’s a physical & mental battle. Not helped by sleep deprivation, the biggest hormonal dump anyone can ever experience, bleeding, post partum poos, partner envy & learning how to be a mum.
There’s pain, tears, frustration & discomfort.
Clothes don’t fit & that WILL cause a meltdown at some stage.
When you’re pregnant, & if you breastfeed, you lose a lot of muscle/fat from your glutes. This means you get a bit of a flat bum.
& if I was to bottle all my emotions down to one moment that heightened my insecurities in my new body - it was when I realised I was no exception to the b***y shrinking rule.
I don’t feel like I look strong anymore. I feel like I don’t even look like I train. This is a particularly emotional thought when your life is in the fitness industry. I don’t often feel anxious, but this sends me spiralling down the imposter syndrome well.
I don’t want you to tell me “I look great”, I really don’t. It won’t change how I feel, it will probably make me feel worse because you’ve missed the point of this post.
The whole point was to acknowledge that you’re allowed to feel uncomfortable, & you aren’t ‘failing’ or a poor role model because of it.
& if one person feels less alone after reading this, then I’ve achieved what I set out to do.