Velocipede Monthly

Velocipede Monthly A completely real mountain biking magazine, focusing on the big issues and featuring interviews from actual people who are in no way completely fictitious.

08/02/2023

In this issue, we cover all you need to know (and a lot you don't) about Tasmania's Wild West Coast. Where to ride, where to stay, who to avoid.

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The extensive Queenstown trail network, descending from the lofty heights of Mt. Owen, has captured the imagination of Tasmania's mountain biking community. Stunning panoramic views over Lake Burbury give way to the desolate Queenstown foothills, acid washed from decades upon decades of sustainable economy building. Reviews for the trails carved into the quartize hills glow almost as brightly as the rich chemical ooze which seeps out from beneath the rocky surface. A chemical concoction so potent that it has been receiving a significant amount of attention from one of the world's leading energy drink manufacturers. That's right, after almost two years of negotiation, Red Bull is coming to Queenstown!

In a deal struck with the West Coast Council, Red Bull will be hosting it's 2024 Rampage downhill mountain biking extravaganza in the town, in exchange for the rights to re-mine tailings effluent outflows for its popular line of energy drinks. Many of the esteemed readers of this magazine would be familiar with the event, the unnatural progression of the cycling pursuit to its most extreme and reckless form.

In this issue, we interview the five leading riders in this year's Red Bull event. What drives these athletes to risk life and limb? How do the careers so many promising young riders end up going downhill?

In a wholly unrelated story, we also speak with a leading nutritional scientist, who explores the inverse relationship between excessive consumption of Red Bull and tendencies towards self preservation.

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In 1642, naval explorer Abel Tasman was commissioned by the Dutch East India Company to travel through the Pacific Ocean searching for a new southern trade route to "peddle their wares". In what turned out to be a very fortuitous misunderstanding (for the global cycling community), Tasman set out, believing that he was seeking exciting new locations "where to pedal". Landing in what would eventually always have been known as lutruwita, he was immediately impressed by the obvious potential for the island to be developed into a cycling destination of international renown. Upon sighting the wild western coast of Tasmania, he named two large mountains after his twin ships, the Zeehaen and Heemskerck, writing in his log that they were "of particular note for their sick shredding potential".

Sadly, as Abel Tasman predated the invention of the bicycle by almost two centuries, his vision fell on deaf ears. It took nearly four hundred years for these mountains to live up to their potential. Amateur historian and professional trail builder Marcelo Cardona discovered Tasman's logbook in late 2019, and approached the West Coast Council with an ambitious plan to make Abel's vision a reality. In this month's issue, we chat with Marcelo about the painstaking process of creating world class mountain bike trails based solely on the etchings of a 17th century dutch explorer.

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With Queenstown and Zeehan receiving a lot of attention from more mainstream cycling publications, the editorial team at Velocipede would like to shed light on some of the more underappreciated trails that the west coast has to offer. In a juicy "sealed section" of this month's issue, we talk about the trails that "they" don't want you to know about. We feature in-depth ride reports from many of our favourite trails, including Lake Spicer, Mt. Mc Call, Lake Cumberland, Mt. Huxley, Climies Track, and Mt. Donaldson. It can be tempting to conform, shredding only where you are told it is safe to shred. Here at Velocipede Monthly, we have more faith in our readers than that. We present to you some clearly delineated alternatives, so you can do your own research, instead of being told what to do. You, dear readers, are special, and deserve only the very best of riding experiences well off the beaten path.

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While cycling on Tasmania's wild west coast has never been more appealing, it is about to hit a Low Point. A Low Rocky Point, to be exact. Responding to a freedom of information request from the magazine, the state government has confirmed that is in talks with an unnamed private tourism operator, looking to develop the famed "Low Rocky Point" trail into a fully supported multi-day boutique mountain biking experience. The venture, proposed by a self-proclaimed "mum and dad" entrepreneurial team, would reportedly cater exclusively to the crème de la crème of the world's cycling elite.

The five day guided tour starts with a scenic cruise across Macquarie Harbour, before travelling up Birch's Inlet and making land in the Franklin-Gordon Wild Rivers World Heritage Area. Overnight huts will be staged at intervals along the 75km trail, with the final day of riding delivering paying customers to the truly remote Low Rocky Point Lighthouse Dining Experience. Those fortunate enough to sample the creations of the on-site chef are then ferried back to Strahan in a chartered helicopter.

The government has confimed that the proposal will be subject to the strictest of approvals, including the stipulation that the price for entry is high enough to keep out the riff-raff.

Should our most remote and untouched locations be made available only to those who can afford to pay? Or should they be made available to everyone, to experience nature at its most pristine - via kilometres of quartzite bulldozed in the 1950's. Have your say in the comments below, and don't hold back!

With perhaps the largest distance to competitor ratio of any cycling race ever conceived, the Tassie Gift kicks off once...
14/09/2021

With perhaps the largest distance to competitor ratio of any cycling race ever conceived, the Tassie Gift kicks off once again this November. While entrants are expected to start together in the center of Hobart on the fifth, there is no expectation that they will finish together, or at all. Inside this issue, we profile each of this year's entrants, with a special pull-out psychological evaluation poster, highlighting (in excruciating detail) the particular defects in each competitor which have resulted in them choosing, ostensibly of their own free will, to enter the event. Hang it above your desk and question someone else's life choices, for a change!

While previous events may have attracted only a relatively small field, a year in lockdown has proven that people will subject themselves to literally anything to get out of the house.

In the first part of an exclusive one thousand, seven hundred and eighty part series, we walk readers through the first kilometer of the race. This promises to be an enthralling series for competitors and spectators alike, with diagrams, charts, inside knowledge, and outside speculation; providing an altogether superfluous analysis of the course. Each of the next 1,780 editions of Velocipede Monthly comes with a 1:1000 scale map of the particular course segment. Collect them all, and you can piece together the entire Gift course in your backyard (or nearby sports ground) and play along yourself! Experience the monotony of covering thousands of kilometers of pristine Tasmanian wilderness, all without leaving the comforts of your own home! Purchase this month's edition to get a bonus pack of color coded cardboard dots, which you can use to track the progress of each rider in real time!

Competitors must come armed with a solid set of legs, with an astounding 38,000 metres of climbing ahead of them. Here at Velocipede Monthly we understand that some readers may have trouble comprehending large distances when represented in such abstract concepts as widely agreed upon units of length determined by an international standard. To assist, our resident comparative surveyor provides some context in terms our readers might understand. How many Eiffel towers is this ascent equivalent to? If the hills were laid out on a horizontal plane, how many football fields or Olympic sized swimming pools could you lay end to end in the same distance? What does this distance sound like? All these condescending details and more, exclusive to this month's issue.

When covering the peculiar antics of bike-packers, many (some will say lesser) cycling magazines have a singular focus on the gear that supports the rider throughout their journey, and their weight-saving modifications employed with questionable effect. How many grams can be saved by shaving the tread nodules off your tyres? Do you really need a seat? The editorial staff at Velocipede Monthly believe these queries to be, at best, irrelevant. In an attempt to correct the balance, we present in this issue a fourteen page spread dedicated entirely to the only question any bikepacker worth their salt deficiency should ask: how many snacks is too many snacks? In an exclusive interview with the designer of the Tassie Gift herself, we unpack some of the most calorie efficient ways to snack pack on your rides. Emma provides some tips on what you can pack when your cupboard is bare, or even when your cupboard is stocked entirely with discontinued CLIF energy bars. This issue truly has something for everyone.

Of course, a large part of the magic of the Tassie Gift is showcasing Tasmania's wild and beatiful remote destinations, and, if you peer beneath the surface, the ramshackle huts and hillbilly murderers who occupy them. Need a place to spend a sleepless night while enduring the multi-day race? We preview eight of the abandoned shanties voted "most eerie" by last year's competitors. With guaranteed* privacy, viscerally disturbing graffiti, and a complete lack of mobile reception, these are sure to unnerve even the most hardened traveler.

Pick up your copy of Velocipede Monthly today, from all disreputable retailers. Or, consider a copy as a gift to a friend or loved one.

Find out more about the Tassie Gift at https://bikepacking.com/event/tassie-gift-event-2021/ or follow on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tassiegift/

In this month's issue, we tackle one of the most pressing issues we have covered to date. With no end to the Covid pande...
06/08/2021

In this month's issue, we tackle one of the most pressing issues we have covered to date. With no end to the Covid pandemic in sight, many are turning to alternative therapies to protect against the disease. We talk to a lagging medical expert who claims that mountain biking may offer reasonable protection against Covid. Can a single dose of her patent-pending "Traxine" reduce the severity of symptoms? How far apart should your mountain biking sessions be for maximum efficacy? None of those questions and more, inside!

In the interests of balance, we also speak to an anti-tracks activist who loudly insists that the government should not be able to force us to go mountain biking.

Also in this episode - one for the foodies! We check out Hobart's hottest new cycling themed bar, which combines cycling, drinking, and traditional Chinese wet markets, in a truly unique experience. Excitement over the new Wuhandlebar establishment has reached fever pitch, so we sent a team of investigators to see what all the fuss is about.

In an exclusive retrospective, we look at the infamous "root gate" scandal a year on. How has the removal of Hobart's most notorious trail feature impacted the cycling community? And what new controversy is set to rock the Meehan MTB park?

Plus - that new bike accessory; do you really need it? We argue yes, and offer seventeen new accessory options that you've probably never even considered. For the e-bikers among us, we explore several battery powered bicycle accoutrements to ensure you stand out from the crowd. Need to keep your drinks cool on a hot ride? Check out our inbuilt drink cooler which fits neatly in your frame! Taking your e-bike on a camping trip? Check out the new Specialized inverter system which lets you run any 240V appliance directly from your bike battery!

Finally, with mountain biking more popular than ever before, is it possible to find a new place to ride your bike? Read our ride report from the remote heights of Black Bluff, a unique and quintessential Tasmanian wilderness riding experience.

Grab your copy now!

Steam! This new technology has attained some popularity in the world of manufacturing, and some outspoken commentators h...
13/05/2021

Steam! This new technology has attained some popularity in the world of manufacturing, and some outspoken commentators have declared it one of the most important technologies of the industrial revolution. All over the nation, many of our factories, ships, and even horses are being converted to steam power. Recently, some of the more adventurous velocipede manufacturers have started integrating miniature steam engines into their contraptions.

While popular with avid futurists and lazy cyclists alike, advocates for the traditional self powered cycle say that this modern mechanical marvel is more of a monstrosity. Are steam powered cycles here to stay? Or are they here to go?

We speak with the Scottish engineer James Watt, whose crusade to unseat the horse as the standard measurement of power has driven him to develop his novel steam engine. For too long, according to Watt, the horsepower has reined supreme as the de-facto measurement of energy transfer per unit time. Watt has pinned his hopes on the steam-powered mechanical dandy horse. When will watt be a household name? And what does this mean for the average cycling enthusiast?

Watt may face fierce market competition from Rankine Cycles, a large manufacturer of ordinary bicycles which has recently announced plans for its own proprietary Steam Cycle. With a long history in the manufacturing industry, the Rankine company is placed to bring safe, portable, scalding hot steam-propelled bicycles to the masses.

Plus, in a Velocipede Monthly expose; tyres: do we need them? The so-called Rubber Barons of the burgeoning bicycle tyre industry insist that wooden wheels are history, and tyres are the "must have" accessory for the modern cyclist. The tyre may well prove to be the most marvelous improvement the humble wheel has seen since its invention in the 16th century. Or is it yet another fixation designed to loosen the purse strings of the impressionable athlete?

All this and more in this month's issue of Velocipede Monthly - available from your nearest street vendor or emporium

This month we are celebrating the achievements of women everywhere who were the first woman to cycle around the world. A...
11/09/2020

This month we are celebrating the achievements of women everywhere who were the first woman to cycle around the world.

Annie Londonberry became an international sensation when she cycled around the world in 15 months. Some say this was driven by a wager that such a feat was impossible for a mere woman. Others say that it was to have some time to herself away from her three young children.

Our five-page gear breakdown looks at what you will need to become the next first lady to cycle around the globe. We look at Annie's recommendations for bike-packable pistols, and learn why she chose to ride without brakes.

We also have a great feature on the cycling attire available to the modern female cyclist. Are dresses and corsets a relic of the past? Or is the newly popular bloomer simply a passing fad?

Of course, cycling around the world isn't just about the cycling. In this issue we have the hottest tips for promoting maximum engagement when sending telegrams to your fans back home. Plus, how to maximize your sponsorship simply by changing your name!

Riding with your friends was once one of the great joys of mountain biking. However after an extended period of social i...
18/06/2020

Riding with your friends was once one of the great joys of mountain biking. However after an extended period of social isolation, many are discovering that what they really love is riding, not their friends. In this issue we explore some of the best long-distance trails to explore by yourself, and why solo missions might be here to stay.

Any enduro or downhill rider worth their salt will be well acquainted with the benefits of full-face helmets. They're bulky and heavy, seriously impede your vision, and are the quickest way to overheat on a ride. Now, a brand old technology allows all of these great features, plus a hideous bird beak! Full-face masks are the hot new item in the mountain biking scene, and (government legislation pending) will be what absolutely everyone is wearing next summer.

Many of us have had a lot of time to ourselves due to the fake-news pandemic. At Velocipede Monthly we are strong believers in self-actualised bike maintenance - why not use this opportunity to learn a new skill? In this issue we discuss how to tear your shock down during the lock down.

Also this month, we look at Kona's newest cyclocross bike, the "Virus". Widely dubbed the most tone-deaf bicycle name of 2020, this bike introduces a lot of novel new features.

Plus, we tackle the infamous tree-root removal at the Clarence MTB park, in a take with a distinct lack of any nuance. Removal of a single tree root by a yet-unidentified party has sparked intense debate in the mountain biking community, and our editorial staff weigh in, weeks too late, with a tactless approach designed only to inflame further online debate.

Do you now have so many children that transporting them all to the coal mine for a good day's work is eating into your m...
01/02/2020

Do you now have so many children that transporting them all to the coal mine for a good day's work is eating into your morning leisure time? If you're anything like us here at Velocipede Monthly then you'll be extremely interested to read our feature on family commuting bikes. Made with the modern family in mind, there's space for up to seventeen children to ride in something approaching comfort. It also features a newspaper stand for father to read the morning paper while one of the more responsible children steers.

Plus, are modern child seats becoming too safe? We talk to an expert who calls for a return to the "good old days" when men were men, and all sported horrible disfigurements resulting from being transported at high speeds with no consideration for safety.

Also, in our ongoing series on the growing trend towards the complete mollycoddling of the modern rider, we bring the long-awaited feature article: "Helmets: Do We Need Them? A Study In Survivorship Bias". In a groundbreaking study involving people who have made it to adulthood without sustaining serious head injuries while riding, a panel of armchair experts concludes that although they never wore helmets, they turned out just fine.

And for those riders eagerly awaiting the upcoming Meehan MTB park, we have the inside scoop on how to win the "Golden Ticket" - a lifetime pass to the trails.

Have a noble steed that has served you well, but needs to be put out to pasture? No need to send it to the glue factory!...
07/11/2018

Have a noble steed that has served you well, but needs to be put out to pasture? No need to send it to the glue factory! Read our hot tips on selling your old(er) bike!

Plus, we have a candid chat with a leading sports medicine physician on how to ensure a speedy recovery from ankle injuries! Don't let a small injury end your season.

In all good magazine stands now!

While you are feasting today on traditional easter fare - Colomba pasquale, Święconka, or even a sneaky hot cross bun - ...
31/03/2018

While you are feasting today on traditional easter fare - Colomba pasquale, Święconka, or even a sneaky hot cross bun - check out this month's edition of Velocipede Monthly mag. Our articles are single-origin, sustainably farmed, and 100% palm-oil free!

Greetings, glorious komrades! Read new issue Velocipede Monthly for superior cycling wisdom!----------------------------...
17/01/2018

Greetings, glorious komrades! Read new issue Velocipede Monthly for superior cycling wisdom!

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In this month's issue, we explore the new mountain bike park in Tunguska, the world's only bike park to be hand-sculpted by an errant meteroid! This park has taken almost 100 years to construct, and Velocipede Monthly has a sneak-peek before the grand opening next weekend.

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Have you ever had someone stalk your Strava account just to steal all of your KOMs? Perhaps you've even made a viral social media post about it! In this issue we discuss strategies for protecting your top times. Defend yourself against kommie incursion.

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Are you in the market for a new action sports camera? With the recent popularisation of follow-me drone cameras, we get a hands-on look at the new Sputnik range of low-earth orbit sporting cameras. Following your every move with state of the art military tracking technology, the Sputnik camera drone flies at an altitude of 10km, which allows it to avoid trees and other tall obstacles. With a smart phone app and parachute recovery system, the Sputnik may prove to be the most user friendly sports drone yet!

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For the racers in our audience, we have a special feature on doing whatever it takes to get that podium finish. While doping has proved to be a very effective strategy, advances in detection measures are proving ever more difficult to thwart. But why dope yourself, and risk all that attention, when you can simply dope your opponent? Buy this month's issue of VM and receive a free sample of Polonium, along with a complimentary umbrella.

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Feeling the bite of the daily kommute across the icy tundra? We review the latest in winter wear that will make you feel like you're living in Cuba!

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As avid followers of the latest fitness trends, we sent one of our writing team to the recently opened Fitness Cycling Fun Cooperative in Chernobyl, for a first-hand account of their new fitness regime which is taking the world by storm. With their simple one week program of 30 minutes of activity (medium dose) per day, you will leave with a warm glow that will last for years! No doubt about it, this place is rad!

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And finally, the new Russian wheel building company that is bringing cycling to the people. With their promise of "peace, bread, and land for building trails", they promise to revolutionise the Russian cycling scene.

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