12/11/2025
R3 v Rutherglen
My mum taught me that if you haven’t got anything nice to say about somebody then don’t say anything. Fortunately, I never listened to my dear mum which brings me unfortunately to the Mighty Gorilla’s game last weekend against Rutherglen. Leaving my best work till last I’ll begin at arrival at the ground.
The vehicle I was in nearly ploughed into the fence with the realisation that the Gappers were practicing their fielding at 12.50pm a full 40 minutes earlier than usual. Fearing Rutherglen would call for the Gappers to be drug tested my fears were allayed when I witnessed ‘practice doesn’t make perfect’ when it comes to Gapper fielding.
Two new boys in Jacob and Jude were introduced, and it wasn’t long before they’d wondered what the hell they’d done as the uplifting insults, encouraging slurs and reassuring slights were warmly handed around amongst the team. Meanwhile Pete won the toss and elected to bowl which all and sundry knew was a mistake.
But a worse decision was to come. Sure, the Aiden – Paul combination didn’t take a wicket last week against, I might add, some exceptional batting but being replaced by Nath and Onions ….. really. Must admit they bowled ok and fluked a couple of wickets between them, but the damage was done,and Rutherglen was on the way to a formidable total. The wickets were falling regularly though and Paul had the game in the grasp of his hands but unfortunately the catch slipped through the grasping hands of Nath. Now the runs were continuing to pile up. Miraculously Pete took a stunning catch resembling an intoxicated dung beetle landing on its back and Jude took two stunners in slips off the magnificent bowling of Jacob. Already the brothers knew that to be successful then better not allow any other Gapper to get involved. The real stunning bit was that no one could remember when last a Gorilla took a catch in slips. Meanwhile Craig grassed a sitter by showing off and going one handed but finally Rutherglen were dismissed for their imposing total of 76.
Ever the optimist, Craig called the team together before arvo tea and effectively said 76, considering the famous ‘Gapper Batting Collapses’, was probably out of reach. To prove his point Craig opened the innings with Pete and insisted the top eight batsmen be padded up and ready to go. Captain Petelooked in sparkling form until he wasn’t and departed quickly for 1. Hayden joined Craig who began telling Hayden how to bat. Unfortunately he forgot to tell himself how to bat, missed a straight one that did nothing off the pitch because it didn’t hit the pitch, and middle stump forfeited its position.
Hayden was joined by Nath and these two who were in scintillating form took the score from 12 to 48. Hayden was batting sensibly, maturely and with purpose, most unlike a seasoned Gapper batter. At 48 Nath missed one on the stumps. Could this spark a collapse. You betcha and it was one for the ages with Captain Pete soon deserting the sinking ship. Chris, Sasha, Hayden, Jacob, Jude, Aiden went down faster than those yellow ducks in Carney Alley.
With 7 runs to go it was now left to Paul and Onions to steer the ship home. Unfortunately, at 71 Onions was on strike. Reading his mind is like trying to decipher the Rosetta Stone; a jumbled mess. However, reading Paul’s mind when Onions dragged one back onto his stumps to finish the contest was very easy to decipher. This is the gist of what he was thinking,
“ #>^< Onions,
