06/06/2026
š£š®š¹ MATT PUTS IN A WARD WINNING PERFORMANCE AS MICHAEL CLAYMS A DOUBLE š®š¹š£
Weeks had passed, seasons had come and gone, a whole generation of mosquitos had passed through the ether. It took the same time as the gestational period of a common house mouse, but your elderly, aging and decrepit Blues were back in action.
Rain postponements had stalled any momentum your balding Blues had and they came into this massive clash verse Mayfield as extreme underdogs. Before the game started there were whispers of being happy with a draw. Ray Geoghegan, aka Harry Haircut, is awaiting an MRI for his knee and fade, so our very own General Ginger was gaffa for the day as Dom remains having to train on Friday like some sort of idiot.
Before the game kicked off your Blues found out that their four goal keepers, Mitch SharpĆØ, C***a Taylor, Chris Ford and Peter Petryk were all out with a range of excuses. The amount of hands put up to play in goals equated to zero. Niall Munroe, with one leg, volunteered before Elliot āDerpā Parker took one for the team and the Prince of Poms donned the famous black shirt with electrical tape making a number 1.
Mayfield were massive favourites coming into the game. With a goal keeper with international experience and a range of ex-Western Australia Premier League players your boys knew theyād be up against it. The only real bright spark and motivation for the blues was Steven Krauseās warm up. This writer has seen some warm ups in the past, but this would be considered a Boil Up, it was that red hot.
There were some cobwebs that needed dusting off and Dan Sneeze was like a feather duster. The silver haired scoundrel was soon making a nuisance of himself down the left wing, combining beautifully with Matt Ward. With Peter Murray and Jon Griffiths buzzing around the midfield like a flock of flies on a Black Diamond Demolition worksite portaloo, it was only a matter of time before your blues broke the deadlock.
After Muz won the ball in the middle for the umpteenth time, he found his new pal and body board enthusiast from Stockton, Jon Griffiths. The horse trainer who famously said Winx would never make it, took one delightful touch before finding Matt Ward. WARDY had new boots on. In fact, he had new boots which were predators. WARDY had been called a predator off the field before so it was great to see him bring that form onto the pitch. WARDY beat two players down the left touchline before lining up a cross. Just like the Predators accuracy to take out Jorge "Poncho" RamĆrez in the 1987 smash hit, WARDY sent the ball across the face of goal like a Plasmacaster, finding the feet of Michael Clay around the penalty spot. Michael is called MJ for Mick Junior which came as a shock to everyone, this writer thought he was either a basketball fan or controversial musician lover. MJ received the ball with his back to goal. He shimmied and turned to his right, sent his defender the wrong way, before placing the ball in the bottom left corner. 1-0. Stevenson Park was in shock.
It was soon almost two. After Matt Ward won the ball yet again at left back, he found the big handed Stevan Purlija. Mr Iron Hand took a break from putting welts on peopleās bum cheeks and launched the ball into the box. A truely wonderful cross only needing a slight touch. So up leapt, Henry Missinger, Misschasy, Michael Ross. Flying through the air, defying the laws of gravity and his own height limitations, he leapt highest and got his cute little head to it andā¦ missed, just putting the ball wide from a seemingly unmissable opportunity. Jon Griffiths then danced through five defenders, with his soon to be sliced descendent makers, before just putting the ball wide from outside the box.
At the other end things were peaceful. Or were they. With James Cass and Robert Tringham defending on the right there seemed to be a relaxed atmosphere. Some might say, too relaxed. Tringles knocked the ball back to fill in goal keeper Elliot. Elliot was so relaxed some might say heād gone comatose in his stupor he managed to pass the ball to the one mayfield player in your Blues half, luckily he then recovered pulling off a brilliant tackle and save to keep your older Blues one nil to the good.
Mark Price was storming up from defence and continually tried to take matters into his own hands, but his big frame, big beard and bigā¦ personality, just couldnāt get on the end of a great Danilo Sciulli corner.
Like El Guapo from The Three Amigos, your Blues were struggling to know what a plethora was, as chances were few and far between. The Three Amigos of Krause, Griffiths and Catford were controlling the tempo, but your decrepit Blues seemed content to come into half time with just the one goal cushion.
Half time. Ray Geoghegan, with his knowledge of hair cuts and hair related equipment, gave the aging men the hair dryer treatment as he was not happy with proceedings. He then made a very brave move, a goal keeping switch. Elliot back out on the field, Jim Snoz in goals. After missing the last game to self sacrifice for the team he had just returned. Jim had famously been in goals for the internationally celebrated South Wallsend semi final penalty shootout win in 1998 and assumed he could slot straight back in and resume where heād left off. He was wrong.
With Jim in goals an early goal would have been great for your Blues. And boy was a gift presented. Krausies Kicking Krew, which we wonāt do any initialism for, was in full flight, and it was the Killa from Manila himself who was found kicking and dazzling, before finding the feat of Jon Griffiths. Griff played the most perfect pass imaginable into the box and to who else, but Michael Ross. With ten minutes of time and a post code worth of space around him Rossi only had to put the ball on target to double the lead. Hearing the words of his favourite George Michael song, Careless Misspers, his guilty feet had no rhythm, as he caused a divet while fluffing the ball wide.
The ten minutes after this were truely terrifying for everyone. Peter Murray, Mark Price and Robert Tringham all started off and Mayfield for the first time in the game kept having the ball and kept attacking poor Jim. One of the most important things a goal keeper needs to do is use their hands and be able to catch. Unfortunately for Jim, these two skills were lacking. First mayfield whipped the ball across the goal, with the attacker charging in at the back post, a goal keeper would have just smothered the ball. Jim, doesnāt smother. Jim slides. He brilliantly stopped the goal but unfortunately left a little bit in the tackle slightly hurting the poor attacker. Then the ball was crossed and he let it go being too terrified to touch it incase it was an own goal. It just missed. Then with the ball travelling 0.0000001 km an hour and going out for a goal kick, he almost dropped it out for a corner.
Purlija, James Cass, Elliot and WARDY were all doing their best to stop any chances coming towards a terrified Jim. Cass pulled off several beautiful sliding tackles where he hooks his leg around, just text book. Simply beautiful. Elliot continued his aerial prowess with his diving headers and flying around like a Spitfire, knocking the ball out of the box like he was knocking the Luftwaffe out of the air.
Peter Murray was Peter Murray. What else can we say. Probably the same thing we say every week. He just doesnāt stop. Only eating Veal for the past month to try and add similar meat to his calf, he was back to his best. He fed Jon Griffiths down the right only for Steff Sneesby Griffithsā slave husband to just scuff his cross.
Skipper Tringles meanwhile has not received a yellow card this season. Has not back chatted (much by his standards). Has actually been really reasonable. He played really well in this game. But just really wanted to highlight the above and wondering if we need to do a welfare check or if his long suffering wife Victoria has finally got the crack of the whip just right.
Robert Broadhurst has been back to his best this year, shaking off his 10 year cough and being in peak physical condition, he showed his skills beating four players before the defence decided the only way to stop Azzurriās Florence Nightingale was to foul the young nurse about 30 yards out. Up stepped Rossi and Matt Catford. As Catty stepped towards the ball you could feel the venom dripping from Rossi. How dare he. Catty knows how this grade works. Get the ball on target. Boy did he, his pedicured foot, fresh from making the team he technically directs train on a Friday (DUMB), he curled the ball around the wall. Facing so much curl and power, the sensational almost unbeatable goal keeper could only parry the ball forward. No one had followed the ball, no one, except MJ. In similar circumstances to the Chicago Bulls MJ vs the Utah Jazz in ā98, our MJ put himself in the history books and his image will one day be on shoes, as the 2026 rookie of the year nominee smashed the ball past the goal keeper and sent a clear statement that this was far from his last dance. Teeheehee. 2-0.
Then. Tragedy struck. After toe punting a clearance Jim called for the bench as he limped off clutching his hamstring which was definitely injured and he wasnāt just trying to get out of being in goals which was, by all reports, a terrible experience that terrified him. In stepped Stevan Purlija who looked fantastic wearing Jimās shirt. Snug.
Dan Sneeze, who will miss next week as he performs in Starstruck, did well down the left beating his man before an unfortunate Michael Ross just couldnāt get on the end of it. A flurry of chances to K-Rause and Broadhurst came and went before an inspired double substitution. In yet another miracle Jimās hamstring had loosened with a brief rest and Danilo Sciulli was recovered from being a massive legend. Both were brought on with 5 minutes remaining on the clock. 2-0 with five minutes to go, the most dangerous scoreline in football history, statistics showing that this is the scoreline most likely to drop points from. Your Blues needed a hero.
James Cass pulled off a tackle that you could say was Built by Cass, before he released Danilo. The man whose first name for some reason so many people, especially Catty, butcher by adding an extra vowel (Daneeleeoh), beat his man before whipping in a brilliant cross which was met by a Jim Snoz aerial slide tackle but was put just wide.
The score line had just become more dangerous. Mayfield were on the attack, Tringles, Elliot and Pricey were scrambling, trying to stop the onslaught, they were brilliant. But through their Fort Scratchley like defence Mayfield slipped through only to be stopped last second by WARDY with the ball falling to Puj in goals. He held the ball and looked up.
āPlay it shortā screamed Tringlesā¦ he almost did. But then a thunderous roar echoed through the night sky. Like God calling to Moses at Mount Sinai āPujjjjj down the guttttsā. The big boy with the big boot launched the ball up the pitch. It was an amazing kick from Puj. The ball was sailing over half way, Jim hesitated, the hamstring injury remember, but his loving brother called out in support āYouuuu wanted itttttā. Reluctantly the wounded Jim took off. With two defenders in front of him the ball bounced, 30 yards out. With the experienced and very skilled defender in front of him, Jim let the ball rise about a foot before using his famous right foot to amazingly control the ball and knock it to the left of his opponent. The touch would have been enough to wow the supporters. But he wasnāt done, no, far from it. His delicious touch let the ball bounce and he looked up. The very talented goal keeper was off his line. 25 yards out now. On the half volley. Slight use of the outside of his boot, Jim let fly but with finesse. Time stood still. Jim had never kicked this far in his life. Would it make the distance. The ball sailed through the air. Papa Sneesbyās jaw started to drop. The air became thinner, it became harder to breathe. The ball reached the goal keeperā¦ āoh f@&$kā he exclaimed as his desperate backwards scrambling would only allow him to clutch at thin air. It cleared the goal keeper. The ball dropped. The cross bar was coming. Would it, could it, dip in time? Dropping millimetres below the cross bar the crowd erupted as the ball hit the back of the net. The famous number two was ripped off Jimās chiseled frame as he ran to the bench celebrating while also calling to be substituted. A yellow card was brandished by a smiling and also celebrating referee. What a moment. What a goal. This writer has often been accused of exaggerating Jimās performances, but on this occasion, as Plutarch said, "What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality." 3-0. The goal was dedicated to Milla and Peter Sneesby on their anniversary, a gift money canāt buy. 3-0.
The final whistle went soon after and the miraculous come back, against all odds, was complete.
Some quotes regarding the goal:
Elliot Dirk Parker āJim Snoz tonight scored one of, if not the best goal I have seen live, the composure and finesse was quite literally unbelievable. It was a thing of beauty.
Blake Thompson: āIāve witnessed the greatest goal EVER. YOUR SNOZZOO. MY SNOZZOOO. OUR SNOZZZOOOā
MOTM: very easy to collect votes this week. With a clean sheet and goal of the year for Jim, itās was no surprise when the name Matthew Ward was called out as the winner. An excellent performance from the new booted left back mechanic, with an assist and constant excellence, the honour was well deserved. Did we mention new boots?
Adrian Ryan our major sponsor from Airleck had this to say āSo let me get this straight. MJ scores a double, WARDY gets MOTM, but half the write up is about Jimās goal? Fair enough. But in all seriousness the boys looked conditioned tonight, just like the winning condition your air could be in if you use Airleck for the supply, installation and servicing of commercial and domestic air conditioning, electrical and ventilation. Who is leading the Sneesby Stakes? Has Dan scored yet? As a special deal call Airleck for a quote today, if you can tell me what new boots WARDY was wearing weāll give a fantastic discount. Carn the Bluesā
Grazie Adrian š®š¹
