The Lincoln Lucerne Bales (2026)

24/04/2026

Happy Friday Bales Whanau

Welcome back. After a long summer and a few questionable performances we are truly into it now. Coming on the backend of the rut it’s time for the boys to prove their bush manouvering abilities as round 2 is set to unfold tomorrow with the mighty bales going up against the Springston Sikas, 1pm @ Springston 2.

Few new recruits this year, notably the Kaikoura man Seth “Meat on Chips” Bell, an experimental man known for his questionable cuisine mixture of Turkish and kai moana. Mean Māori, mean. On the topic of local cuisine, while doing his summer driving tractors in WA, Ben “Bag” Parker got a bit lonely and after a big night at the pub went back to a “lovely” aboriginal lady’s shack for a last ditch effort at ethnic cleansing. Rumor has it they talk often - bonding over the ridiculously high petrol prices. Turns out no matter what goes up your nose will destroy your bank account.

With coaches Tim “Knowlesy” Knowles and Dave “Potty” Pottinger creeping past their wives on track to the Queenstown rippers, we’ll need all the extra support we can get in Springston. Come on down Whanau. Go hard tomorrow fellas, earn the thirst. And don’t end up like that fu***it Blake

Team:
1. Matt “Matty” Johnston
2. Charlie “Chop” Hopcroft
3. Fletcher “Crom” Pomare
4. Joe “Whero” Kemp
5. Harry “Sister Rooter” McHaffie
6. Angus “Possum” Zino
7. Ben “Bag” Parker
8. Neil “Boss baby” Van den Berg
9. Charlie “Cheese” Prince
10. Alex “Kirky” Kirkland
11. Austin “Big nut” Knight
12. Geordie “Dave” Hassall
13. Seth “Meat on chips” Hale
14. Quin “Queef” Mitchell
15. Cam “F**k up” O’Leary
16. Jack “Dicko” Dickson
17. Cooper “Footsteps” Mitchell
18. Matthew “Muzz” Menlove
19. Ben “Bag Jr” Campbell
20. Charlie “Muchie” Chamberlain
21. Jaxon “Jacko” Thompson
22. Hunter “Burg” Burgess

Coaching Staff:
Tim “Knowlesy” Knowles
Brian “Riki Tiki Taka” Chase Blanchard
Dave “Potty” Pottinger

Management:
Ang “Sicko” Wafer

Boxing coach: Cam “Chopper” Scully
Communications specialist: Sam “Gil” Giltrap
Ma********on advisor: Shamus “Shambles” Young
Fu***it: Blake “Fu***it” Affleck
Ladies man: Henry “Virgin” Hanrahan
Domestic advisor: Jack “Kenny” Kennedy
Hydration specialist: Joe “Whitebait” O’Regan
Team physio: Olley “Cramp” Collet
Team mascot: Manny “Maccas” MacDonald

15/08/2025

BALES HIT CASTLE STREET

The boys are taking on the kaikorai Undertakers tomorrow in dirty dunners. Come and get into some neck oil if you’re keen to see the mighty bales take on the Dunedin “champs”. These little pricks have been sitting on their high horse all week in what is a similar situation to the 1st SBW v Gallen press conference “everything on kaiks terms”. Get down to 25 Lynn street to witness some seriously dusty rugby and a bunch of broken C**k bulls show a group of jumped up breathers who haven’t bothered going north of castle street since they were at high school how to play footy.

12pm KRFC

F**k the takers

UP THE F**KEN BALES!!!!

26/07/2025

Guess what….. WE WON, party at greasers… UTFB

25/07/2025

!!!!!ATTENTION BALES COMMUNITY!!!!

It's grand final time... somehow this group of delinquents have managed to go unbeaten this season and scummed their way into the Ellesmere final, and with no combined comp this year, this is the biggest of dances and f**k we cannot wait for bale to role. The only thing getting in the way of crawling home with a kebab and a medal is the old foes, the Waihora Wankers, who clutched it against the Kirwee cuckholds last weekend in which must have been a good game... but who actually gives a f**k.

Big news in bales camp this week with reports of having a physio for the weekend. This has Billy ‘physio fetish’ Dougherty and Tom ‘fom eh’ Fowler absolutely frothing at the mouth, it's been a few years since these two had the privilege of testing the strapping capabilities of a physio but all they are hoping for now is that it isn't a dude. God knows if this will stop their tunnel vision as they were both heard walking into training listing to ‘Lose yourself’ by Eminem. Kia kaha, you sick little pigs.

The thought of a final has got the boys so fizzed up, some of them didn't even sleep after the win over the ducks!!! Unsurprisingly Razor has been in touch with the boys and is considering this recovery technique for the All Blacks. Cam ’lord farquad’ O’Leary even let razor know of his opinions, recommending all players need to have a weekend in Rarotonga with Zac Guilford.

Once again Canterbury rugby have stuck to their senses putting the Country Colts final on the Saturday and the metro prems final on the Sunday, this once again shows how much more important this is. So much so that the private messages have been coming in hotter than ever, not from Africans trying to buy lucerne bales but from the big fellas in the beehive, with Winnie P and David Seymuk both giving motivation offering 250 cash and a few kegs just for the Sunday alone, also stating if we win they will pay their respects by throwing Lucerne at the greens on Monday morning.

Get down to Prebbelton RFC this Saturday for what is set to be the game of the season. An 11:30 kickoff means a big morning and an even bigger afternoon. Ya calender should look something like this: Wake up (hopefully), w**k (probably), p**s shop (preferably), bales game (DEFINITLY). Theres ya morning sorted and I'd say you already know what's happening for the afternoon. Bring ya mates, missus, dog, cat, vacuum, or mop. Who gives a s**t just get there.

UP THE FU***NG BALES BABY!!!!!!!!

$5 entry
⏰ - 11:30am
🏟️ - Prebbelton RFC
🗓️ - 26th July

Final Team for 2025:
1. Tom ‘fom eh’ Fowler
2. Fletcher ‘wonderboom’ Pomare
3.James ‘gun fingers’ Paterson
4. Joe ‘Big Red’ Kemp
5.George ‘snow cone’ Riley
6. Angus ‘possum’ Zino
7.Sam ‘vasillie’ Williams
8.Charlie ‘Hashbrown’ Woelders
9.Billy ‘physio fetish’ dougherty
10.Alex ‘kirky’ Kirkland
11. Sam ‘Tunnel brother’ Cottier
12.Thomas ‘statistic’ Michelle
13.Will ‘sloppy’ Scurr
14. Quinn ‘queef’ Mitchell
15.Cam ‘lord farquad’ Oleary
16. Isaac ‘bubs’ Ottery
17.Cam ‘scull’ Scully
18.Harry ‘sister rooter’ Mchaffie
19.20.Tom ‘buttchug’ Butler
20. Hunter ‘Gainer’ Bremer
21. Josh ‘pete’ Peters
22.Jack ‘dicko’ Dixon

Coaching staff:
Tim ‘knowlsey’ Knowles
Blair ‘blairshgo’ Willmott
Andy ‘Greaser’ Greer

Management:
Ang ‘Sicko’ Wafer

Cigarette specialist: Hunter ‘burg’ Burgess
Sideline abusive comments: Jonty ‘Flatline’ Light
Ma********on advisor: Shamus ‘Shambles’ young
Paracetamol advisor: Ernie ‘gurney’ Fowler
Hydration specialist Ben ‘bag’ Parker
Team Mascot: Neil ‘boss baby’ Van Den Berg

19/07/2025

Good afternoon out on lucerne 1. Good mob of 23 ducks went down over a span of 80 minutes of led flying. 29-14 bales. Waihora w**kers, see ya Saturday.

18/07/2025

Good afternoon bales community.

Finals footy is upon us with the bales coming up against the Darfield ducks this Saturday in the semifinals, but no one has just a semi thinking about this. The boys are unbeaten this season and after giving west Melton an absolute flogging 73-14 we’re coming into this hard and fast no Vi**ra needed.

Key moments have included Charlie ‘Hash Brown” Woelders coming off the back fence on Defense to complete one of the worst close lines in recent bales history and put his hand up for fastest card of all time. He also helped his case of getting grub of the season while in Dunedin for the All Blacks game where he tried to pocket a humble steak and cheese from the night n day but was caught in the act. After legging it with no pie he was found halfway across Dunedin by fellow bales and claims “nah f*k that man not doing that again”, Unfortunately this was referring to the running not the attempted pie jacking.

Ben “bag” Parker found his way to bali over the break along with half of New Zealand. The preparation for this trip took weeks as he was found by flat mate Alex ‘kirky” Kirkland putting his wallet through the washing machine and scrubbing his cards as they were dirty dishes. Bag has come back with an injury claiming he has hurt his shoulder surfing though it is believed this is not the case, explaining one morning he woke up in what he has explained to be something out of the hangover 2. Sitting there chuffed with himself, he soon realized what he thought was a lovely lady, may have not been so lady-like. No complaints off a sore ass have left players and management wondering how he entertained that thing all night. Any witnesses are welcome to get in touch, just match him on tinder to do so.

There has been some important happenings within the squad recently. With Jonty ‘flatline’ Light ruled out for the season early on, Tom ‘statistic’ Michelle took over the captaincy role becoming the second Maori captain of the bales following in his brother Reece ‘token’ Michelle's footsteps. This has prompted the cultural affairs committee to come up with what is known as “te tiriti o bale” (the treaty of bale) - for our English-speaking followers. The treaty states that from now on there must be at least one member of the bales with native heritage. Fine prints suggest that Joe ‘Big Red” Kemp oversaw writing the bill as it also states “f*k ow itll be all gee if we just have a couple boys from gizzy”. More in depth reading of the treaty has shown if anyone has any experience with lucerne bales this will also cover the new ruling.

Get down to Lincoln RFC this Saturday, preferably dusty as half the team will be. No excuses to miss this one. Scrap ya lunch date with mum get to the bar for a few wets and hey, why not bring mum's ex-husband for a laugh.

🏟️ - Lincoln RFC
🗓️ - Saturday 19th July
⏰ - 12:45

Team list:
1. Tom ‘fom eh’ Fowler
2. Fletcher ‘wonderboom’ Pomare
3.James ‘gun fingers’ Paterson
4.Angus ‘possum’ Zino
5.George ‘snow cone’ Riley
6.Hunter ‘Gainer’ Bremer
7.Sam ‘vasillie’ Williams
8.Charlie ‘Hashbrown’ Woelders
9.Billy ‘physio fetish’ dougherty
10.Alex ‘kirky’ Kirkland
11. Sam ‘Tunnel brother’ Cottier
12.Thomas ‘statistic’ Michelle
13.Will ‘sloppy’ Scurr
14. Josh ‘Pete’ Peters
15.Cam ‘lord farquad’ Oleary
16. Isaac ‘bubs’ Ottery
17.Cam ‘scull’ Scully
18.Joe ‘Big Red’ Kemp
19.Neil ‘boss baby’ Van den Berg
20.Tom ‘buttchug’ Butler
21. Quinn ‘queef’ Mitchell
22.Jack ‘dicko’ Dixon

Coaching staff:
Tim ‘knowlsey’ Knowles
Blair ‘blairshgo’ Willmott
Andy ‘Greaser’ Greer

Management:
Ang ‘Sicko’ Wafer

Cigarette specialist: Harry 'sister rooter' Mchaffie
Sideline abusive comments: Jonty ‘Flatline’ Light
Ma********on advisor: Shamus ‘Shambles’ young
Paracetamol advisor: Ernie ‘gurney’ Fowler
Hydration specialist Ben ‘bag’ Parker
Team Mascot: Hunter ‘burg’ Burgess

16/05/2025

!!!ATTENTION BALES COMMUNITY!!!!

Welcome back to the bales, 2025 season, with a new Ellesmere only comp, this unfortunately means we no longer get a bus trip of length which eliminates the cost of repairing bus skylights and p**s stained carpets. In other Ellesmere area news, the Prebbelton penguins have failed to breed and have pulled out of the colts grade. Rookie Shamus ‘shambles’ Young is already making claims that this is because of the lack of attractive women in the area. Bold claims for a rookie but we’ll back him. Its been a good start to the season 3/3 beating the uni, Darfield and the waihora w**kers.

A standard Bales summer took place with many falling back to their local watering holes before the key recruitment phase took place at RNV, unfortunately no recruiting was done, nor was any rooting, many sore nostrils were reported though..... from the wet weather.

A key import for the bales this year is former waihora w**ker Hunter ‘Gainer’ Bremer, hailing from waipuk he is known for doing backfilps of small ledges, often after consuming more than ‘a few beers’. Inside information has come from camp with James ‘gun fingers’ Paterson over hearing gainer saying he was “sick of playing with a certain overweight lock with the hairline of a 50 year old man”. Welcome to the Bales Gainer your east coast mana is of as much value as a bull with a broken c**k.

Also in recruitment news Vice Skipper Charlie ‘hashbrown’ Woelders has rejoined the bales after only lasting 2 days at work once uni began. Team Cultural Advisor Quinn ‘queef’ Mitchell has issued hash with a severe case of FOMO after coming back to the slums and re registering for uni, in which his family are quoted calling him a “weak gutted dog”.

In international affairs, Will ‘Sloppy’ Scurr was sent to South Africa prior to the beginning of this season, temporarily taking the role off Charlie ‘hash brown’ Woelders. This went about as well as expected with Sloppys main take aways being - A video of Lions mating (with p**n like commentary) and all-inclusive resorts where he claims to have “pushed the limits”. After being asked about how the recruiting went sloppy stated “oh yeah, f**k just way to many bl.....”. Thanks for that sloppy, stick to the Cardrona valley. Applications are now being made for this position and can be sent to Sam ‘tunnel brother’ Cottiers snapchat – trippacotts.

This weekend we have a replay of last year's 2 semifinals as the bales come up against the stags. While the roar may be over it has been heard through the wall that they are planning to steal as many bales wags as possible and with the bales ball quickly approaching this has caused major upset in the bales camp.

Get down to Lincoln this Saturday bring ya mainstay and the rest of her hot mates, she's gonna be a f**ken ripper.

UP THE F**KEN BALES!!!!!

🏟️ Lincoln RFC
⏰ 1pm

Bales for Saturday

1. Isaac ‘bubs’ Ottery
2.Tom ‘fom eh’ Fowler
3.James ‘gun fingers’ Paterson
4.Angus ‘possum’ Zino
5.George ‘snow cone’ Riley
6.Hunter ‘Gainer’ Bremer
7.Sam ‘vasillie’ Williams
8.Charlie ‘Hashbrown’ Woelders
9.Billy ‘physio fetish’ dougherty
10.Alex ‘kirky’ Kirkland
11.Quinn ‘queef’ Mitchell
12.Thomas ‘statistic’ Michelle
13.Will ‘sloppy’ Scurr
14.Sam ‘tunnel brother’ Cottier
15.Cam ‘lord farquad’ Oleary
16.Fletcher ‘wonderboom’ Pomare
17.Cam ‘scull’ Scully
18.Harry 'sister rooter' Mchaffie
19.Neil ‘boss baby’ Van den Berg
20.Tom ‘buttchug’ Butler
21.Josh ‘Pete’ Peters
22.Jack ‘dicko’ Dixon

Coaching staff:
Tim ‘knowlsey’ Knowles
Blair ‘blairshgo’ Willmott
Andy ‘Greaser’ Greer
Management:
Ang ‘Sicko’ Wafer
Paralyzed from the toe down: Joe ‘big red’ Kemp
Sideline abusive comments: Jonty ‘Flatline’ Light
Ma********on advisor: Shamus ‘Shambles’ young
Paracetamol advisor: Ernie ‘gurney’ Fowler
Hydration specialist Ben ‘bag’ Parker
Team Mascot: Hunter ‘burg’ Burgess

28/07/2024

Hahah f*k we lost, happy Sunday

26/07/2024

Kia Ora ladies, gentlemen and whoever the f**k else (please unfollow if you fall under this category), for the final times this year the Bales are strapping up for the Ellesmere final taking on the Prebleton penguins once again. After a midweek blowout at winterbag the boys managed to pull through in the semi against the stags (19-14) with a huge defensive effort and even a tidy boat race win, The boys are locked and loaded for one last dance. Plenty of work was done over the uni break to keep the boys sharp most notably Josh ‘pete’ Peters and Tom ‘statistic’ Michelle not helping there home club at all to complete a winless season.

In recent news Nick ‘abombay’ sim has been found guilty on all counts for being a massive s**t c**t! Simsy did not stick around for beers after the combined final win as he had to ‘Drive home to shift breaks’, the young man from Garston made the trip a few hours longer taking a right at Palmerston to take the scenic route through the Maniototo, it was later found out this detour ended up with a night spent in Omakau to feel the warmth of a young Ladie. Big fines are coming for simsy as he was the second bale to succumb to the power of the p***y that weekend.

To international affairs…Vice skipper Charlie ‘hash brown’ Woelders was sent on a recruitment mission to England over the uni break to scout out if any poms would have what it takes to join the bales. Hash spent his time well indulging in the British culture but got majorly distracted from the task at hand finding himself hitting more bags and p**sing on pride flags than watching players hit tackle bags. A review will take place in the off season to find our next international scout as hash is no longer trusted.

Get down to Kirwee RFC this Saturday for a big day of Ellesmere finals footy and witness a pack of degenerates try to end the season with two trophies' locked up for summer. Get a carload,some wags, her mates, mum and grandma (preferably a BCS 4 - 5) and get excited for some Saturday morning footy.

UP THE F**KEN BALES!!!!

🏟️Kirwee RFC
⏰11:20am
$5 cash entry

Final team of 2024 as follows

1.Jonty ‘flatline’ Light
2.Ben ‘kumara’ Zino (C)
3.James ‘gun finger’ Paterson
4.George ‘snow cone’ Riley
5.Joe ‘Big Red’ Kemp
6.Angus ‘vomit comit’ King
7.Sam ‘Swill’ Williams
8.Charlie ‘Hashbrown’ Woelders
9.Billy ‘physio fetish’ Dougherty
10.Josh ‘pete’ Peters
11.Sam ‘My mum follows the page’ Cottier
12Thomas ‘statistic’ Michelle
13.Will ‘sloppy’ Scurr
14.Quinn ‘queef’ Mitchell
15.Cam ‘lord farquad’ O’leary
16.Isaac ‘bubs’ Ottery
17.Cam ‘scull’ Scully
18.Tom ‘Fom eh’ Fowler
19.Flynn ‘mayweather’ Tuffin
20.Angus ‘possum’ Zino
21.Ben ‘BP’ Parker
22.Nick ‘Abombay’ Sim

Coaching Staff
Tim ‘Knowlsey’ Knowles
Andy ‘Greaser’ Greer
Blair ‘Blairshgo’ Willmott

Managment
Ang ‘sicko’ Wafer

Hydration specialist – Neil ‘Boss Baby’ Van Den Berg
Sideline Abusive comments – William ‘pies’ Smillie
Lung technition – Hugo ‘huge’ Cochrane
Team spastic - Hunter ‘spaz’ Cottam
Mental skills – Tom ‘buttchug’ Butler

22/06/2024

Andrew h**e is back, this time has wiped out 23 penguins… 26-20 bales. Trophy stays locked up.

21/06/2024

!!!ATTENTION BALES COMMUNITY!!!

Its seem deja vu is all to real this week as the bales line up the Prebelton Penguins in the Combined country colts final once again. A convincing win against the Stags last weekend has meant somehow, the boys have secured a home final. A large turn out of Bales supporters is expected to once again get under the penguin's fethers, though head of side line abusive comments, William ‘Pies’ Smillie has decided to turn his back on the team by taking his wag home for the weekend, this has caused an up roar in camp with many even calling it the most disgusting sober act in recent bales history.

With media speculation of a ho**er from club rugby possibly joining the Chiefs squad for the super rugby final, it had Bales coaching staff worried. Carrying four ho**er options this year meant a call from the tron was looking like a verypossible reality for loan of a Bale. Issac ‘bubs’ Ottery was out of the picture though, considered to much of a media risk after a video was taken of him tickling a fine Lincoln wine while she was asleep next to him. This has left bubs questioning his punishing behavior which seems to have happened after a night on golden codys. Coincidence? We think not.

In other punishing news Jonty ‘Flat Line’ Light found himself at kiltie after the win against the Waihora humpbacks, where he ended updrinking beers faster than they could come out. Flatty found himself giving a golden shower to Billy ‘physio fetish’ Dougherty’s sleeping arrangement in the kiltie lounge. While Flatty often wakes up to a wet bed on a Sunday this behavior has now left Billy not only homeless butnow bedless. Flynn ‘mayweather’ Tuffin was first to the scene describing it as ‘similar to a video by Adriana Chechik’. Flattys next goal is to complete dry bed July, we wish him all the best.

Angus ‘kingy’ King finds himself back in the no.6 jumper for the big game, his on-field performances have not translated to off field though. Kingy found himself in bed with a fine bales wag a few weekends ago, but the nerves got to the young man from nelson which led to him throwing up through the bed before any business could be attended to. Kingy had felt he had lost a lot of pride and mana after this performance and has been having weekly meetings with bales cultural advisor Quinn ‘Queef’ Mitchell, who has gained this role because of his multi-cultural sexual endeavors.Kua pai te mahi fellas.

This is no game to be missed as the boys look to keep the trophy in the cabinet for another year. Weather is looking good so get a carload, get to the bar and lock in for some running rugby.

UP THE F**KEN BALES!!!

⏰1pm
🏟️Lincoln RFC

Team as follows Saturday 22 June
1.Jonty ‘flatline’ Light
2.Ben ‘kumara’ Zino (C)
3.James ‘gun finger’ Paterson
4.George ‘snow cone’ Riley
5.Joe ‘Big Red’ Kemp
6.Angus ‘vomit comit’ King
7.Sam ‘Swill’ Williams
8.Charlie ‘Hashbrown’ Woelders
9.Billy ‘physio fetish’ Dougherty
10.Alex ‘ kirky’ Kirkland
11.Sam ‘My mum follows the page’ Cottier
12.Thomas ‘statistic’ Michelle
13.Will ‘sloppy’ Scurr
14.Quinn ‘queef’ Mitchell
15.Cam ‘lord farquad’ O’leary
16.Tom ‘Fom eh’ Fowler
17.Isaac ‘bubs’ Ottery
18.Angus ‘possum’ Zino
19.Flynn ‘mayweather’ Tuffin
20.Neil ‘boss baby’ Van Den Berg
21.Josh ‘pete’ Peters
22.Nick ‘Abombay’ Sim

Coaching Staff:
Tim ‘Knowlsey’ Knowles
Andy ‘Greaser’ Greer
Blair ‘Blairshgo’ Willmott

Managment:
Ang ‘sicko’ Wafer

Hydration specialist – Ben ‘BP’ Parker
Sideline abusive comments – Cam ‘scull’ Scully
Lung technition – Hugo ‘huge’ Cochrane
Team spastic - Hunter ‘spaz’ Cottam
Mental skills – Tom ‘buttchug’ Butler

The Lincoln Lucerne Bales

24/04/2026

15/08/2025

26/07/2025

25/07/2025

19/07/2025

18/07/2025

16/05/2025

28/07/2024

26/07/2024

22/06/2024

21/06/2024

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