04/05/2025
Tonight after we put the baby down for the night, Brian asked me what I was most surprised by being a mom.
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I had to think about it for a while.
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On a positive front - I have been super surprised with how simpatico I feel with her. My body knowing before my brain registers a sound. The ease and flow of communicating what she needs and what’s going on.
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On a not so positive note - I was completely blindsided by the hormonal surges and dips. Right after I gave birth I felt like a super hero. I walked to my recovery room, I felt creative, I wanted to work (and did). And then 10 days out, I crashed hard and things stopped making sense. Then came the struggle of exclusive pumping and the nausea and intrusive thoughts that joined every session. Worse was trying to stop. Feeling like a failure, scary dark thoughts every time I went anywhere.
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I recently started sharing more about this with friends and family. To offload and normalize it. Motherhood is a mixed bag. The highest of highs in every milestone and memory making mistake and the lowest of lows where you feel like you’re doing everything wrong and it’s all going to slip away.
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Life is a mixed bag. No one has it figured out - and the ones that say they do are either grifting or in deep denial.
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We all need a little grace, but first we gotta give it to ourselves. We’re doing the best we can with what we have.