03/14/2026
From addiction..... to recovery.....
First pic was DAYS before I went to rehab, no filter (thankfully).
I was so ready to be done with life.
Wrote su!cide letter after letter for weeks, trying to word it right.
Was tired of being me.
Tired of hurting my kids.
Tired of relapsing after rebuilding my life back up over and over
Thought maybe it would be best to jus be done and rip the bandaid off quickly, cuz it may hurt deeply for a minute, but with time the hurt would fade. Instead of letting my shifty choices slowly rip the bandaid off my boys, which hurts more.
I couldn't find a way out.
I didnt know how to put the n33dle and dr*gs down.
Didn't know how to love myself enough to even WANT to not be numb any more.
I was losing my apartment, they wouldn't sign another year lease with me, rightfully so might I add. I was a horrible tenant while in addiction.
I accidently rear ended someone cuz I nodded out while at a light, and panicked thinking the light was green, when it wasn't.
Cps had already taken my kids months prior to this... for the 2nd time. First time I completed family court and got my case closed, and less than a year later, I relapsed when I got all my bottom teeth pulled.
I couldn't go longer than 20 minutes without doing a sh0t. Couldn't go longer than a few hours with some type of substance.
The stuff I did to get my fix is disgusting.
I was so lost, and didnt know how to be found. I didnt know if I wanted to be, especially after my uncles d3ath.
But god never gave up on me. My story wasn't over yet.
Some how i applied for a scholarship at a rehab.
I couldn't take it any more, and If I didnt do something, my babies wouldve buried me at too young of an age.
Within days i was accepted and on my way. My car broke down on the way, jus an hour from home. I couldn't get ahold of my mom (whom id used with for years) nor could I get ahold of my dr*g dealer boyfriend. I was so mad. I jus wanted to go back home and get h!gh. Clearly rehab wasn't suppose to be for me.
But I posted on Facebook, needing a ride home, or the rest of the way to Gooding. Thank God I found the latter. A friend picked me up, i was h!gh as hell, and reluctant to even go to rehab.
I was terrified.
Could I heal past my own self inflicted trauma?
Could I heal past the trauma id caused my boys?
Would anyone even want anything to do with me anymore?
Could I really stay clean and sober this time, and not relapse again?
I had no PO, CPS hated me, no new charges, no LEGAL reason pushing me to stay clean this time. Could I do it without a baby sitter???
Could I learn to love myself and make better choices??
All these questions.
0 answers.
Still i went.
I woke up the next day sick as s**t, coming down and withdrawaling my a$$ off. They wanted me to get up and eat. To interact with the other woman. I laid there asking god why the hell I was still alive? Why save me, when I'm unsaveable? Why couldn't he just let me story be over, so I could go be with uncle RuRu again???
Little did I know, that was the first day of the rest of my life.
I lost custody of my older boys when I was in rehab, case was closed with them. I felt defeated. The whole reason I was there was because of them. If I have no way to get them home, whats the point?!
THAT is why I think my car broke down.
Had i had my car in the parking lot, would I have stayed after hearing that noise? I honestly cant say.
THAT is when it became internal.
Okay I wasn't getting them home, at least not easily and not any time soon.
It was time to lock in, heal as much as I could, and decide where life was gonna go.
I was in there for 58 days. Best 58 days of my life, up to that point in my life (minus my boys being born that is).
When time to get out was coming up, the decision of WHERE would I go surfaced? Did I really wanna go home??
I know they say you cant run from yourself. But if your healing and changing, your not running from yourself, right?
Did I want to go back to my old playground?
Where I knew what to say and how to manipulate my mom and everyone around me to get the fix i wanted?
Every time I did recovery in the past, my mom was the one who I talked in to giving me the p!lls and rig. With her around my chances were slim of actually staying clean and sober.
So I chose to relocate. Moved somewhere I only knew the people id met in the rooms while in rehab.
No family.
No old acquaintances.
No known dr*gs.
No one to catch me if I fall.
They say twin falls is bad with dr*gs everywhere, but the year and a half i lived there, I didnt find any. I didnt see any.
But I also wasn't looking.
When I lived there I was free.
Free of expectations.
Free of reputation.
No one knew me.
I didnt even know me, THE REAL ME.
NOT Shanas daughter.
Not "jus another Wessells".
I was Sam.
That is where I started finding myself, and fitness was one of the biggest pieces.
It helped me learn to love myself.
It helped me to learn to love my body along the journey.
It showed me how damn strong I am, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It taught me to take care of myself, inside and out.
It taught me patience.
It taught me delayed gratification.
It taught me how to heal.
It helped me be stronger when the world felt heavy.
It helped me find myself again, and rebuild myself in every way.
People ask why I pursued personal training....
Because I can't be a substance abuse counselor, I was 2 credits away from getting my license, because of my past decisions.
I can't reach other recovering addicts THAT way, so I had to find a loop hole.
Fitness changed my life. That was the one piece missing that I didnt have during my other past attempts at recovery.
And that is why I'm passionate about this.
Its more than your body.
Its more than your mind.
It's more than your choices.
Its about you and learning to live your best life.
I could go on and on about the benefits and things ive learned. And I'm sure in another post down the road, I'll voice more.
But making this collage and seeing how damn far ive come, it's put a lot on my mind and my heart.
I was so broke and lost. I didnt know how to put the shovel down.
And now, over 5 damn years later, and I'm still going.
I have full custody of all 3 of my boys, that I gained without a lawyer, because of my hard work.
We have our own place.
I have a good car.
I have a good job who values me and wants to push me to be my best self.
I have a healthy body, mind, and soul.
That doesn't mean I dont struggle. I'm human.
I miss the gym when I say I'm gonna go.
I make excuses on why I cant go.
I dont always eat the best, because sweets are yummy.
Some days I'm weaker and my weight dont change or go down, and thats okay.
I still keep going.
I find what my blocks are, and find solutions around them.
I learn who I am.
I remember my why.
And I try to be the best version of myself that I can be.
If you need help finding yourself, or loving yourself, shoot me a message. Summer time is coming up and my schedule will be opening a bit. I think I'll start looking in to taking on another client. If you made it to the end of this, thank you!!! Leave me a comment about what your grateful for today. ❤️❤️❤️
Happy weekend.
