12/25/2024
You asked, and Dvoiri answered!
Question:
I'm wondering if we can talk about the function of boundaries in a mashpiah mekabel relationship next week?
Answer:
Boundaries are such a broad topic. If I can rephrase it a little bit here to fit the common questions I hear about boundaries it would be, âIf the husband is the mashpia, when do I get to make my own choices?â And, âHow do I respond if he crosses a boundary such as speaking to me not nicely?â
There is a fundamental misunderstanding of being a mekabel that is very common. Many women confuse the idea of being âmekabelâ with âbeing passiveâ, or ânot really having an independent sense of selfâ.
However, being mekabel is not a passive role, or a loss of self. In fact, in order to be mekabel I need to have a strong âkeiliâ, inner dimension and sense of self in order to receive. Think of a cup that can only receive water if the walls of the cup are secure.
At the same time, while boundaries are an important part of connecting safely in a relationship, they can sometimes become barriers that serve to distance instead of connect. The word âboundariesâ may imply having to protect yourself from someone who might not be mindful or considerate of you in some way, and the need to show that person what he can or canât do.
We suggest using the term âhonoring yourselfâ as a gentler way of phrasing how we see boundaries. The difference is subtle, yet important. Honoring yourself is about trusting that the other person respects and cares about you, AND being mindful of how you feel and what works and doesnât work for you.
For example, letâs say I donât like the way my husband has spoken to me- making a boundary might look like letting him know that it is not OK to speak with me that way. Honoring myself includes trusting that he cares about me. (Using the principles of âtrust the connectionâ, âessential valueâ, and âreceivingâ among others.) That might look like sharing, âI know you care about me, AND that really hurtsâ. Itâs honoring to myself in that Iâm aware of how I feel and how I want to be treated, but it also recognizes that I know heâs not out to hurt me, and I donât need to be on guard. Rather I can trust him, AND honor myself within this relationship.
*Mashpia - mekabel*
The essence of femininity is receptivity. The authentic receptivity of the feminine, naturally draws out the desire of the man to be the mashpia. The more a woman respects her husband - which means making space for who he is as a person, with the right to his own perspective, thoughts and feelings, and the more she values him, the more it will draw out his desire to truly make his wife happy and provide for her. This is a G-d given dynamic.
Like we said before, in order to receive, we need to have dimensions. Envision yourself standing in a space of 6 ft circumference around you. Halachically, this is your âdaled amosâ, or your personal domain. Your domain includes your thought, speech and actions, as well as the decisions you make about your personhood - what you eat, wear, your relationship with Hashem, etc. Your husband also has his domain - his thought, speech and action as well as the decisions he makes about his personal affairs - what he eats, what he wears, his avodas Hashem etc.
Making choices for yourself is within your domain. If your husband has an opinion about what you should or shouldnât be doing, you can respect where heâs coming from, but that doesnât mean that you need to agree or follow what he says. Being a mekabel means that you receive HIM- his LCI- love, care or intention. But ultimately your choices are yours to own. The good news is, that the more you appreciate and receive his LCI, love care and intention, the more you will discover that he is happy to support your choices.
If you are struggling to honor yourself within your relationship, or feel that it is difficult to make decisions for yourself because of his objections or opinions, please reach out, we are here to support you.
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Dvoiri is available to coach in four different languages! Including: Portuguese, English, Spanish and Hebrew.
To contact Dvoiri for coaching: +1 (310) 613-1069
