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RPM Mobil Softball, Hudson, NH (2026)

03/01/2026

🚨 BREAKING NEWS FROM BETWEEN THE LINES 🚨

Mobil Nation, we interrupt your regularly scheduled nonsense with a major update.

Earlier this week — yes, earlier this week — Mobil cornerstone Pete (the Dad. Not Pete Jr. … We cannot stress this enough.) successfully underwent his second knee replacement.

That’s right. Second.

The man now has more high-quality aftermarket parts than the questionable tractors they use to maintain the fields. And unlike those tractors? Pete no longer needs three guys, a prayer, and a jumpstart just to get moving.

🎥 Live from the studio…

Bud (solemn but proud):
“Reports indicate the surgery was a complete success. Doctors described Pete as ‘extremely motivated’ and ‘asking about lineup strategy before anesthesia fully wore off.’”

Chaz (shaking his head):
“I’m hearing he asked what the recovery timeline was and then immediately tried to negotiate it down.”

That checks out.

🏥 Official Mobil Medical Report

Knee #1: Veteran replacement. Fully broken in.

Knee #2: Brand new install. Zero mileage. Fresh upgrade.

Durability rating: Higher than the infield dragger.

Expected performance: Stable. Loud. Reliable.
Sources confirm Pete was already talking about
2026 before the hospital bracelet came off.

🎤 Teammate Reactions

Mobil players did not hold back.

Beard, longtime teammate, stated:
“I’m not worried. Pete with two new knees just means we’re getting the deluxe edition. Probably louder. Definitely more opinionated.”

Sonic added:
“I heard the surgeon asked if he wanted the standard model or the ‘argue with the ump’ upgrade package.”

Tom was more analytical:
“Look, from a pure metrics standpoint, titanium has to improve stability by at least 10%. That’s just science.”

Across the league, the respect is real.

A rival manager (who requested anonymity) admitted:
“We were hoping the knees would slow him down. This feels like a midseason trade acquisition.”

Even Pete Jr. weighed in:
“If he starts beating me down the first base line, I’m filing a grievance.”

Fair.

💥 What This Means for the 2026 Season

Mobil analysts are calling this a “mechanical advantage.”

Projected impacts include:
Increased dugout pacing efficiency
Smoother pivot when chirping umpires
Enhanced pre-game speech intensity
14% improvement in sideline dad presence

Let’s be clear about something:
Mobil doesn’t rebuild.
Mobil just installs new parts and acts like it was part of the plan all along.

📈 Season Forecast: Titanium Era

With Pete now operating at partial factory-plus specs, expectations for 2026 are sky high.

There’s a saying in sports:
Champions earn hardware.
Well… Pete skipped a step and just installed it directly.

🎤 Final Word from Bud & Chaz

Two knees.
Zero excuses.
All gas.

If determination were measurable, Pete would already be cleared for playoffs.

Mobil Nation… buckle up.

The Titanium Era has begun. 🏆

07/31/2025

Buzz & Chad Postgame Report – LIVE from Jette Field: First place secured? Who needs effort?

[BUZZ, bundled up in a hoodie over his usual windbreaker, standing next to the first base line with a blank stare:]

🎙️"Folks… we’re here. We watched it. All seven innings of it. A softball game in name only. Mobil showed up Wednesday night knowing they had already clinched first place—and then spent the next hour and a half playing like their gloves were made of pudding."

[CHAD, sipping lukewarm coffee from a paper cup, wearing sunglasses despite the fact it’s 9:30pm:]

☕ "Buzz, I’ve seen more intensity at a church potluck. Final score: Robinson 20, Mobil 5. And honestly, it wasn’t even that close. From pitch one, this had all the energy of a co-ed kickball game after a buffet."

BUZZ: "Robinson jumped out early, thanks in part to Corey, who apparently misunderstood the assignment and decided to go full Hall of Fame mode. Dude went 5-for-5, racked up 10 RBIs, hit not one, but TWO home runs, and drove a stake through whatever was left of Mobil’s motivation."

CHAD: "Yeah, Corey hit a grand slam so loud in the 6th that it briefly reawakened Mobil’s competitive spirit—only for it to immediately crawl back into a folding chair with a Capri Sun."

BUZZ: "Let’s talk about pitching—or whatever Mobil was doing on the mound. Pete got the start and… bless his heart… stayed in until the bitter end. 24 hits allowed. 20 runs. And yet not a single strikeout. It was less ‘pitching’ and more ‘guided batting practice.’"

CHAD: "Honestly, Buzz, I think Pete was just out there making sure everyone got their swings in. Like a good camp counselor. ‘You want a hit, Jimmy? Go ahead buddy, we’re all winners today.’"

BUZZ: "To be fair, Mobil did walk eight times. So that’s something. And Sonic went 2-for-3. Evan knocked in a couple runs. But most of the team looked like they were playing musical positions and forgot the music. At one point I’m pretty sure Justin was playing left-center and grilling sausages at the same time."

CHAD: "I saw Alex wearing someone else’s glove. Evan was literally laughing mid-play. The vibe was less 'let’s win' and more 'let’s just not pull a hamstring before playoffs.'",

BUZZ: "Meanwhile, Robinson was laser-focused. I mean—double plays, gap shots, hustle out of the box. They either didn’t get the memo that Mobil was coasting or they’ve got a serious grudge to settle."

CHAD: "Or maybe they just saw an opportunity to pad the stats. I mean, even Dylan—the pitcher—was raking at the plate. The man threw six innings, gave up six hits and five runs, and walked eight, but still managed to earn the win. Probably with one hand in his pocket."

BUZZ: "Look, Mobil knows the real games start next week. This one? Just a glorified scrimmage with a scoreboard. But if Wednesday night taught us anything, it’s this: softball karma is real, and it wears a Robinson jersey."

CHAD: "Playoffs are coming, Buzz. And I hope Mobil left the jokes in the dugout, because next time, the other team’s not gonna be laughing with them."

BUZZ: "That’s it from Jette Field—where the lights were on, but not everyone was home. We’ll see you next week when the stakes are real, the gloves are snug, and Pete hopefully throws fewer… 'inspirational pitches.'"

CHAD: "Until then, keep your bats warm, your rosters tight, and your beers colder than that 6th inning Mobil defense."

🎤 [Fade out to theme music played poorly on a kazoo and triangle.]

07/29/2025

Buzz & Chad Postgame Report – LIVE from Jette Field

---

[BUZZ, standing just foul of third base, sporting aviators and a windbreaker despite it being 81 degrees and sunny:]

🎙️"Good evening softball nation, and welcome to a special on-location episode of Between the Lines with Buzz & Chad! We are LIVE from the legendary Jette Field for the final week of regular season action before the postseason chaos begins—and folks, if tonight’s fireworks are any indication, the playoffs might need a fire extinguisher and a therapist."

[CHAD, holding a mic in one hand and a half-eaten hot dog in the other:]

🌭 "That’s right, Buzz. Tonight we witnessed what can only be described as a statistical crime scene: 44 hits, 36 runs, 7 home runs, and 2 pitchers with a combined ERA that’s gonna haunt their dreams. Final score: Mobil 21, D&R 15. And while nobody struck out, we’re not sure the outfield grass survived."

BUZZ: "Let’s start with The Beard. Three hits. One absolutely annihilated softball in the 7th that may still be climbing. Chad, did we confirm if anyone checked his bat for jet fuel?"

CHAD: "I heard they found beard oil on the barrel, Buzz. LEGAL. And effective. His 3-run nuke in the 7th was part of a five-run Mobil blast-off that finally gave them breathing room. Dude was hitting lasers all night like he was training for NASA."

BUZZ: "But he wasn’t alone. Mobil’s Hit Parade was basically a conga line. Ryan, Evan, Tom, Justin, Alex, Keith, Pete—heck, even the bat boy was warming up. Everyone had multiple knocks. Evan launched a 2-run missile in the fourth that dented the scoreboard. Marshall hit a grand slam in the first and then quietly RBI'd another run on a groundout like a well-dressed ninja."

CHAD: "Fun fact: Marshall had 5 RBIs on one hit. That's math that only exists in softball or Vegas. Meanwhile, Ryan had three hits and probably got hit on in the parking lot after. He was cooking."

BUZZ: "But let’s not act like D&R didn’t come to swing. Seth went full Beast Mode, cranking TWO home runs and collecting 3 RBIs, including one that might've hit a UFO. Greg and Jeff each had four hits—FOUR!—but unfortunately, the defense had the consistency of wet paper."

CHAD: "Scott pitched all seven innings for D&R and deserves a gift card to Applebee’s and a support group. He allowed 23 hits, 21 runs, walked four, and didn’t strike out a soul. Honestly, I think his glove filed for retirement mid-game."

BUZZ: "And Pete—sweet, resilient Pete—got the win for Mobil, despite also allowing 23 hits and 15 runs. Somehow still smiling. We asked him postgame how he felt, and he said—and I quote—'My ERA is in witness protection, but we got the dub.'"

CHAD: "Grit, Buzz. That’s grit. Or delusion. Either way, it works."

BUZZ: "So as the dust settles at Jette Field, Mobil improves to playoff-ready shape, while D&R heads back to the drawing board...possibly with a fire hose. And just a reminder folks, the playoffs start next week, and we will be here—live with even more drama."

🎤 [Cue outro music: a kazoo version of "We Are the Champions."]

07/23/2025

Mobil's Monday Mayhem and Tuesday Heartbreak: A Tale of Two Games, One Beard, and a Lot of Hits

MONDAY NIGHT: MOBIL VS. VULC TECH — POWERED BY FACIAL HAIR AND PURE SPITE

With the return of scorekeeping MVP Becky—whose steady pencil and stern glances keep the entire Mobil empire from descending into chaos—the Mobil Softball team kicked off their back-to-back double feature with flair, fireworks, and just enough drama to fill a miniseries.

If you weren’t at the field Monday night, you missed a performance so explosive that Vulc Tech is now reportedly considering switching to badminton. The Beard—yes, that glorious mane attached to a softball demigod—absolutely went off. Two home runs. Seven RBIs. One grand slam that launched so high it briefly appeared on local radar systems.

The carnage began early. Evan and Alex got the party started in the first, each doubling and singling their way into Mobil’s good graces. But then... The Beard stepped in. Bases loaded. Tension thick. BOOM. A grand slam to center field that had fans Googling “how to legally adopt an adult softball player.”

“Honestly, I blacked out,” The Beard later claimed. “All I remember is the sound of justice echoing off the bat.”

Mobil kept pouring it on. Tom joined the hit parade, Sonic hit a solo shot that barely cleared a low-flying bat signal, and Justin chipped in like a true team guy. Pete, normally known for breaking spirits on the mound, took the win with five innings of pure dad-strength pitching. No strikeouts, no walks, just a steady diet of “here it is, hit it if you dare.”

Mobil tallied 18 hits in the game, and Vulc Tech did their best to keep up with 17 hits of their own—but ultimately fell 14–8, defeated by a combination of too much Beard, too much bat, and too little mercy.

TUESDAY NIGHT: MOBIL VS. SOUSA — A WALK-OFF THAT WALKED OFF WITH OUR HEARTS (AND OUR PATIENCE)

Fresh off their slugfest, Mobil rolled into Tuesday night full of swagger and sunflower seeds. Things started strong: The Beard (obviously) opened with a solo shot to right. He does this now. It's just his thing.

Ryan, Marshall, and Grant combined in the second for a lovely little hit trio, each RBI coming with just the right amount of sass. Justin joined the homer club in the fourth with a two-run blast, and Brock decided to one-up everyone with a bomb in the sixth that may or may not have changed wind patterns.

But Sousa came to play. Or at least to talk. Home runs flew. Errors whispered. Walks piled up like questionable life decisions at a gas station sushi bar. And at least one of their players—let’s just say his ty-rade of chirping was louder than his bat.

Still, heading into the bottom of the seventh, Mobil clung to a 9–8 lead. Cue the heartbreak.

Sousa’s Brian—whose previous job may have included soul-crushing—crushed a two-run homer to center field to walk it off. Final score: 10–9. A gut punch wrapped in a dinger.

“I didn’t even see it land,” muttered Justin, who took the loss with a shrug and a bag of ice. “But I definitely felt it in my soul.”

MOBIL WEEK IN STATS (AND TEARS):

The Beard: 3 HR, 8 RBI, 1 existential awakening.

Brock: Bombs and brawn, leading the charge from the cleanup spot.

Pete: Monday W. Still dad.

Justin: A true workhorse. May sleep with one eye open now.

Ryan, Evan, Alex, Grant, Marshall: Reliable as ever. Basically the Avengers with better batting averages.

CLOSING THOUGHT:

Two games. One win. One walk-off heartbreak. Infinite Beard power.

Mobil marches on, bruised but not broken, armed with bats, boldness, and a healthy intolerance for unnecessary noise from the other dugout. Stay tuned. The only thing more consistent than Mobil’s offense is their flair for drama.

07/15/2025

Mobil Survives 22–21 Shootout Against Robinson, Powered by Evan—and Haunted by the Absence of Pete and Becky

HUDSON, NH — In a game with enough momentum swings to make a seasoned fan seasick, Mobil battled their way to a dramatic 22–21 victory over Robinson on Monday night. Evan led the offensive eruption, smashing two home runs and driving in four—but the real story was what (and who) was missing.

Pete, the team’s veteran pitcher and reliable force on the mound, was absent. And while Mobil managed to piece together enough arms and outs to hold off Robinson, it wasn’t the same without him. The dugout had more volume, but less grounding. The rhythm was off. The heart was bruised.

But somehow, even harder to ignore than Pete’s absence?

Becky.

Mobil’s scorekeeper. Statistician. Team conscience. The voice that knows exactly how many RBIs Tom has this season without even glancing at the sheet.

She wasn’t at the game, and everyone noticed.

“I mean, we won,” said Brock. “But are we sure? I haven’t seen a single tally mark. Becky’s not here to make it official.”

The stat book sat eerily quiet, like a catcher without a pitcher.

THE GAME: A RUN-A-PALOOZA

Evan homered in the first. Justin followed with a solo shot in the second. By the time the third rolled around, Robinson unloaded a seven-hit, five-run inning to take the lead.

Mobil chipped away—Jeremy with an RBI double, Evan with his second blast—but Robinson struck again in the fourth with another five-run rally, capped by Corey’s three-run bomb.

Mobil’s comeback began to build in the fifth with six runs—RBIs from Keith, Ryan, Tom, and Marshall. Still trailing, Mobil stormed ahead in the sixth with a 10-run outburst, sparked by hit after hit. Sonic delivered the go-ahead RBI in the seventh to seal the deal.

“We just kept swinging,” said Marshall. “It felt like we were down the whole time—but never out.”

NOTABLE NUMBERS (PROBABLY—WE THINK)

Mobil racked up 27 hits, led by Justin (4-for-4) and big nights from Marshall, Jeremy, Keith, Ryan, The Beard, Tom, and Grant. Jeremy also added two walks and led the team in confusing the temporary scorekeeper.

On the mound, Justin earned the win, going the distance and surviving 27 hits from Robinson.

Mobil played error-free defense and turned two double plays, although without Becky in the booth, it’s unclear whether either actually happened or if they were fever dreams.

FINAL SCORE: Mobil 22, Robinson 21
Pete: Missed. Deeply.
Becky: Somehow more vital in her absence.
Next Game: Bring your gloves. Bring your bats. Bring Becky.

07/10/2025

UNITED NATIONS SPECIAL SESSION RECAP
Topic: “Global Conflict Resolution Through the Power of Slowpitch Softball”
Date: July 2025
Location: UN General Assembly Hall, NYC

---

Opening Statement:

UN Secretary-General António Guterres took the stage flanked by a display of bats, bases, and a giant poster of Brock mid-bat flip.

> “In times of uncertainty, the world must ask itself: What would The Beard do with runners on second and third? The answer is clear — unite, swing hard, and slide confidently.”

---

Case Study: RPM Mobil Softball Team (Hudson, NH)

The Mobil Model became the framework for diplomacy: patience at the plate, calculated aggression, and always backing up your teammates — especially when they overthrow first base.

---

Exhibit A: The Peter Saga – Father and Son Harmony

In a May 2025 game, Pete (father) pitched six innings on a questionable knee (or two), while Peter (son) played through a mild back injury, declaring boldly:

> “I’ll give it a shot.”
Diplomats applauded the family chemistry.
India’s delegate called it “the most powerful multigenerational alliance since the British monarchy.”
Japan’s ambassador added:
“If Pete and Peter can manage bullpen duty and outfield coverage while sharing DNA, surely Taiwan and China can agree on fishing zones.”

---

Exhibit B: The Tom Comet Game

During an early July matchup vs. Sousa, Tom hit a home run so massive the U.S. claimed NASA briefly tracked it.

> “We don’t even know if he’s 21,” noted a U.S. official.
Ireland’s rep said:
“The ball still hasn’t landed — much like Brexit.”
Tom later clarified:
“I was calculating wind resistance on my lunch break. Then I hit a ball to the moon.”
This demonstration of combining STEM and softball was cited as a model for education diplomacy.

---

Exhibit C: Scott’s Six-Walk Classic

In a game that ended in chaos, confusion, and victory, pitcher Scott allowed six walks… but never cracked.

> “He walked the world and still got the win,” said the French delegate.
It inspired a motion for creating “Slowpitch Softball Resilience Index” to measure political leaders’ poise under pressure.

---

Exhibit D: The Beard’s Game of Four Singles and One Very Loud Out

In a nail-biter vs. Robinson, The Beard went 4-for-4 — except for the line drive out that he claimed had “an exit velocity that could’ve split a glacier.”
Tucker Glovefield of Late Night Fastpitch said:

> “That out was hit so hard the ball had a panic attack.”
Germany’s rep suggested modeling economic recovery packages on The Beard’s “contact-first, confidence-always” approach.

---

Opposition and Debate:

North Korea:

> “We reject any game where batters are cheered for hitting the ball and not bunting. This is American nonsense.”

Switzerland:

> “We’ll participate, but only in neutral-colored uniforms. No shorty shorts.”

---

Final Compromise & Resolution:

After a passionate reenactment of Brock’s “UN Peace Treaty Home Run” (in a game where he played shortstop and war correspondent), consensus was reached.

UN Resolution 25-7-MOB:

> “Let it be known across all nations, provinces, territories, and dusty fields: slowpitch softball — as modeled by RPM Mobil — shall serve as an international symbol of peace, perseverance, and occasional hamstring pulls.”

---

Closing Statement from Secretary-General Guterres:

> “The world doesn’t need more bombs. It needs more Brock Bombs.”
(Standing ovation. Argentina and the UK high-fived. Russia quietly submitted a roster.)

Peace, it turns out, starts at home plate.

07/09/2025

Mobil Walks It Off Against Vulc Tech in 11–10 Thriller

HUDSON, NH — Tuesday night at Jette Field had it all: lead changes, moonshots, defensive gems, and a finish so dramatic it made Brock compare one of his home runs to a UN peace treaty. And you know what? He wasn’t wrong.

Mobil edged out Vulc Tech 11–10 in a game that had more emotional ups and downs than a toddler on red Gatorade. The game ended in classic Mobil fashion: chaos, a walk-off, and absolutely no regard for their scorekeeper's blood pressure.

HOW IT UNFOLDED

Vulc Tech struck first with an RBI double by Scott in the top of the first, but The Beard quickly tied it up for Mobil after tagging up in the bottom half.

In the second, Vulc Tech retook the lead 2–1, but Keith, fueled by a deep reservoir of dad-strength, launched a three-run homer to left. Moments later, Marshall drove in another run with a single, Scott scored on a flyball, and The Beard slapped a single down the line to make it 5–2.

But just when fans were settling in, Vulc Tech went full bonkers in the third—scoring seven runs on seven hits, including a grand slam by Dave C., whose bat may or may not have been forged in the depths of Mount Doom.

Down 9–5 and looking shaky, Brock stepped in and delivered a two-run blast so majestic, he later said it, “united the dugout like a UN peace accord. Possibly ended the Cold War. I don't know, I wasn’t alive.”

Mobil chipped away in the sixth. Alex tagged up and scored, and Vulc Tech added one in the top of the seventh to make it 10–9.

THE DRAMATIC FINISH

In the bottom of the seventh, with one out and the game hanging in the balance, Marshall ripped a double to left field, bringing the crowd to its feet—and more importantly, Tom from first base to home. That’s right: Tom, a man best known for moonshots and molecular propulsion, somehow scored from first. It was less of a sprint and more of a calculated orbital maneuver. Eyewitnesses say he reached third using only kinetic energy and what appeared to be pure willpower.

After the game, Tom, still catching his breath, quipped “I worked a 10-hour shift at my big boy job calculating thermal thrust ratios… and now I gotta leg it out from first? I’m not built for this life.”

Sonic followed with a crisp single to center, scoring Marshall and setting off a dogpile celebration somewhere between glorious and mildly embarrassing.

STATS THAT MATTER (KIND OF)

Mobil racked up 14 hits. Marshall, The Beard, Brock, and Sonic each collected two hits. Keith, Marshall, Brock, and Sonic all knocked in two runs. Grant led the team with two walks and Brock had several chances in the field, though none of them required world peace analogies.

Scott earned the win for Mobil, while Pete came in for four innings of steady relief, likely fueled by dad-anger and lukewarm "water".

Vulc Tech put up a valiant fight, totaling 17 hits, six walks, and one grand slam that we’re still talking about.

BUT SERIOUSLY… THE BEARD

Oh, and The Beard? He went 2 for 3 with singles, and one incredibly loud line-out that he immediately insisted had an exit velocity of “like 126 miles per hour, easy.” No one verified this, but everyone appreciated the confidence.

Mobil improves to 11-4 and returns to action tonight, likely with more heroics, more launch angles, and hopefully someone bringing pizza.

06/26/2025

🎙️ LIVE FROM THE LATE-INNING LOUNGE WITH TUCKER GLOVEFIELD

[🎶 Theme music plays. Crowd cheers. A graphic of a softball rocketing into a moon with Tucker’s face on it spins off the screen.]

TUCKER GLOVEFIELD (striding on stage):
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Late-Inning Lounge—the only show where we don’t care about your ERA unless it stands for ‘Errors Ruining Aesthetics.”
[💥 Audience laughter + applause]

“Now, folks… our guests tonight need no introduction—especially if you’ve seen thighs so powerful they were declared a distraction by three separate umpires.”
[🔥 OOOHHH from audience]

“But seriously—Mobil Softball had a wild one last night. A furious comeback attempt, three monster home runs, and somehow… they still lost to Robinson. It’s like watching a Marvel movie where Thor does all the work and Ant-Man forgets to show up.”

[🎉 Audience laughter]

“So please welcome to the show, man of the moment, four-for-four, king of the comeback-that-almost-was: give it up for… THE BEARD!”

[🎤🎸 Walk-on music: ZZ Top riff. Audience claps and hoots as The Beard walks out, high-fiving Tucker.]

TUCKER:
“Beard. My man. Four hits. A moonshot. No errors in the field. Tell the people—did you just wake up this morning and decide you were gonna carry the team in a Jansport backpack?”

THE BEARD (smirking):
“Honestly, Tucker, I just didn’t want to sweat through the new pair of Shorty Shorts™. Had to keep the at-bats short and sweet.”

[🎯 Audience laughter, one guy yells “LET THE THIGHS FLY!”]

TUCKER:
“Let the thighs fly—now that’s how you trademark a lifestyle.”

“Let’s get real, though. Your squad gave up seven runs in the first. Seven! Pete started on the mound—what happened? Did he think it was practice?”

THE BEARD:
“Hey, Pete’s our guy. Sometimes he just needs a full inning to warm up… unfortunately, that’s the inning where all the runs scored.”

[🎭 Audience laughter and groans]

TUCKER (mock serious):
“Fair. I also need a full inning to warm up—usually in the bathroom stall.”

TUCKER (turning to camera):
“But you know what I noticed? Brock—zero mentions in the postgame highlights. Evan? Quiet. Justin? Still at work. Did anyone check if he’s been kidnapped by his full-time employer?”

[📢 Big laugh + applause]

THE BEARD:
“Word is, Justin’s now on a secret project called ‘Fiscal Reports & Missing Dingers.’”

TUCKER:
“Well, he better be building a swing simulator in that office or he’s getting traded to Sousa."

TUCKER:
“Alright, time for Tucker’s Tips! Here's how Mobil fixes this. Step one: stop spotting teams a touchdown in the first. That’s not a softball strategy—it’s charity.”

[💥 Laughs]

“Step two: put The Beard in charge of pitch calls, batting order, hydration plan, AND team playlist.”

THE BEARD:
“Already do all that.”

TUCKER:
“Of course you do. That’s why they call you The Beard and not The Moustache—because you cover more ground.”

[🤣 Audience roars]

TUCKER:
“Final question, Beard. You guys are 9-4 now. What’s the plan heading into Vulc Tech?”

THE BEARD:
“Simple. More bombs, fewer excuses… and shorter shorts.”

TUCKER (applauding):
“AND THERE IT IS. Folks, give it up for the only man who could bat .1000 and still ask the score: THE BEARD!”

[🎉 Audience cheers, music swells]

TUCKER (to camera):
“Tomorrow night, we talk to an umpire who claims he’s blinded by glutes. Until then—swing hard, slide early, and if you strike out, blame the sun.”

🎬 Roll credits

06/25/2025

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Mobil Softball Inks Groundbreaking Sponsorship Deal with “Shorty Shorts™”
Because Long Pants Were Holding Us Back, Emotionally and Athletically

HUDSON, NH – July 25, 2025 – In a move that scientists are already calling “highly questionable but deeply iconic,” the Mobil Softball team is proud to announce its first-ever official sponsorship: Shorty Shorts™, the worldwide leader in lower-limb liberation.

The partnership comes just in time for peak summer, when temperatures are high, tempers are higher, and pants are an outright danger to public health.

“Look,” said veteran player Keith, pulling up his shorts mid-interview for added ventilation, “we’ve been playing elite-level ball with elite-level thighs for years. It was time the world got to see them.”

Shorter Shorts, Longer Legacy

Gone are the days of modesty and unnecessary inseams. Starting this week, the RPM Mobil roster will take the field wearing custom, limited-edition Shorty Shorts™ SoftFlex™ Thigh-Tech Gamewear™—the same fabric allegedly used by Olympic sprinters and Florida gym teachers.

Each pair features moisture-wicking panels, anti-bunch zones, and an embroidered slogan across the waistband that reads: “Let the Thighs Fly.”

“This isn’t just about freedom of movement,” said Evan, nodding solemnly. “It’s about sending a message. A message that says: ‘Yeah, we came to win. But we also came to show you what hamstrings look like in 4K.’"

A highlight of the partnership is undoubtedly the launch of Brock’s exclusive limited-edition line, Hitting Brock Bottom. When asked about his role in the design, player Brock was characteristically confident:

“I didn’t design Hitting Brock Bottom for comfort. I designed it for dominance. These shorts ride so high, they shave seconds off my sprint time and add five degrees to my launch angle.”

The team insists the aerodynamic advantage is real. Scientists have not yet confirmed this.

Why Shorty Shorts? Why Not?

Let’s be honest: the writing's been on the wall—and the upper thighs—for years. Between the heat waves, the moonshots, and the increasing demand from fans to “stop hiding those quads,” the decision was easy.

A third player, who asked to remain nameless but was definitely wearing lime green compression shorts underneath, said, “Listen. You can’t drive in runs if your legs are suffocating. I’ve been saying this since 2019.”

Sources confirm that other teams in the league are scrambling to catch up, with at least one squad reportedly testing capri-length joggers in a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Too little, too late.

The Shorts Heard 'Round the League

Shorty Shorts™ will also launch a special edition “Mobil Mode Collection,” featuring team color options, reinforced seams for exaggerated celebratory lunges, and a commemorative tag that reads:
“Shorter. Stronger. Sexier.”

Opposing teams are already on high alert. One anonymous pitcher was overheard muttering, “How am I supposed to focus when there's that much quad happening between second and third?”

When asked about the potential distraction these shorts may cause on the field, player Pete responded, “That’s not our problem. We came to win. If they came to stare, that’s on them.”

But not everyone’s thrilled.

“I’ve lost three fly balls in the sun and two in the reflection off The Beard’s glutes,” said a concerned umpire. “These shorts are too powerful.”

Bottom Line? More Leg, More Legacy.

The Mobil squad isn’t just rewriting the playbook—they’re tearing the legs off of it. With power at the plate, flash in the field, and just enough inseam to avoid fines, Mobil Softball is making one thing clear:

This season’s MVP? The mid-thigh.

Contact:
Mobil Back Office PR

*We Put the QUAD in SQUAD*

06/25/2025

🔥BREAKING WEATHER BULLETIN – HEATWAVE MELTS HUDSON, MOBIL MELTS D&R🔥
— Live from WMOB’s Weather Center

HUDSON, NH — The sun technically went down before first pitch, but the heat stuck around like Brock at a postgame sushi buffet—heavy, overbearing, and guaranteed to cause damage.

It was 7:45pm and still 92°, but you wouldn’t know it by the amount of mid-thigh on display. Mobil showed up in shorts so short you’d think they were headed to a retro jazzercise convention instead of a ballgame. Chaz claims that he's filing an HR violation.

Now, to the action: Mobil absolutely torched D&R with 22 hits and 19 runs, making it feel less like a softball game and more like a live demo of what happens when a team decides “nah, defense is optional.”

Brock, as usual, continued to do Brock things:

Two home runs, including one in the 1st to start the carnage, and another in the 7th just for insurance. He didn’t even celebrate. He just trotted the bases like a man who’s still waiting for the league to challenge him. Afterward, he was heard muttering something about “launch angle integrity” and “how many more of these do I need for respect in this town?”

Alex was electric too—two homers of his own, because apparently Mobil now has a strict “multi-homer minimum” per game.

The Beard—because of course—racked up three hits and drove in a pair. Peter Jr. made his long-awaited return after last week’s rained-out comeback attempt. He stepped in, knocked an RBI single, and looked like a man both relieved and slightly unsure if he was cleared to run full speed. When asked pregame how he felt, he simply said: “I’ll give it a shot.”

And yet—
Justin? Still not present. Still “working.” Chaz is now openly speculating that Justin is in the Witness Protection Program. Bud is convinced he saw him joyriding in a minivan and belting out the Bluey theme song. Whatever it is, it’s not Mobil softball, and that’s a crime.

Other notables:

Keith, Tom, Grant, Evan, Scott, Sonic — all hit, all contributed, all sweating from places that science hasn’t named yet.

Scott went the distance on the mound, battling the heat, mosquitoes, and occasional existential dread to secure the win.

Final Score: Mobil 19, D&R 9
Team Record: 9–3
Justin’s Career Status: "Currently Unavailable"
Next Game: Robinson, tomorrow night — bring ice packs, bug spray, and for the love of the town, some longer shorts.

RPM Mobil Softball

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