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RPM Mobil Softball, Hudson, NH (2026)

06/11/2026

Justin's Three-Homer Night Sends Mobil Into Absolute Chaos

For years, Mobil Softball fans have heard the stories.

The legends.

The whispers.

The grainy VHS tapes.

The tales of retired Mobil superstar Greg Ford, launching softballs into neighboring zip codes while opposing outfielders questioned their career choices.

Justin has spent years studying those legendary exploits. His longtime idol is retired Mobil superstar Greg Ford. The fact that Justin is old enough to remember Greg's prime years in real time has never stopped him from referring to him as his childhood hero.

On Wednesday night against DJ Restoration, Justin finally had his own moment.

Justin blasted three home runs and drove in eight runs, leading Mobil Softball to a wild 16-13 victory and recording what historians are already calling The Greatest Night In Justin History.

Sources close to Justin confirmed that immediately after the third home run, he briefly stared into the distance as if seeking approval from Greg Ford himself. Whether Greg actually appeared in the clouds above the field remains unconfirmed.

A Typical Mobil Game Broke Out

If you enjoy pitching duels, defensive masterpieces, and low-scoring softball fundamentals...
..this was not your night.

The two teams combined for:
42 hits
29 runs
Several lead changes
At least three minor heart attacks in the Mobil dugout

DJ Restoration came out swinging, taking an early lead before Mobil answered with a four-run first inning highlighted by a two-run double from Keith and an RBI single from Justin.

The game then settled into what experts refer to as "complete and total madness."

DJ Restoration reclaimed the lead.

Mobil tied it.

DJ Restoration reclaimed it again.

Mobil tied it again.

At one point the official scorebook simply wrote, "Good luck."

The Sixth Inning Heard Around Hudson

The defining moment came in the sixth inning.

DJ Restoration had just grabbed a 13-10 lead behind home runs from Issac and Mike. Mobil fans began calculating how many runs they'd need.

Justin apparently calculated something else.

After already homering in the third and fifth innings, he stepped to the plate with runners aboard and launched his third homer of the night to center field.

The blast completed a six-run inning and gave Mobil a 16-13 lead they would never surrender.
Witnesses reported seeing teammates sprinting out of the dugout.

Witnesses also reported seeing Justin sprinting significantly slower than his teammates.

The Media Finally Gets What It Wanted

While the Mobil media has spent most of the season aggressively promoting Brock's MVP campaign, Wednesday forced reporters to shift focus.

Justin went:
4-for-4, 3 HR, 8 RBI, 4 runs scored.

That's not a stat line.

That's what happens when someone accidentally turns the difficulty settings down.

League officials have reportedly requested to inspect his bat.

Justin responded by pointing at Greg Ford's old highlight videos and saying, "I'm just trying to follow the blueprint."

Supporting Cast Refuses To Be Ignored

Lost in the Justin Show were several outstanding performances.

Keith quietly collected four hits of his own, including a double and two RBI. At this point Keith putting together a multi-hit game is about as surprising as Beard finding a way to hit a ball 17 feet and still reach first safely.

Speaking of which...

Beard collected two more hits.

No exit velocity numbers were released, but sources described at least one ball as "moving slower than a parking meter."

Evan scored four runs, reached base four times, drove in two, and once again looked like he was trying to steal extra bases simply because standing on the original base seemed boring.

Ryan added two hits, including a clutch double.

Marshall, Colby, and John each chipped in multiple hits as Mobil pounded out 22 total.

The John Experience™

Lost in the offensive fireworks was another classic performance from pitcher John.

His final line:
7 innings, 20 hits, 13 runs, 2 strikeouts, 0 walks.

Most pitchers facing 20 hits would require counseling afterward.

John simply shrugged, grabbed a postgame drink, and collected the win.

It's becoming increasingly clear that John's pitching philosophy is:
"Eventually they'll hit it at somebody."

And somehow... it keeps working often enough.

Around The League

Questions continue to surround the whereabouts of former Mobil outfielder Snowbird Scott.

No credible sightings have been reported.

The First Responders fan club was also notably absent from their usual Mobil-supporting duties, creating concern among fans who have grown accustomed to seeing them occupy more Mobil bleacher space than some Mobil players' families.

Final Notes

Justin's first known three-home-run game immediately enters Mobil folklore.

Greg Ford's legacy remains secure, but his unofficial disciple made a compelling argument Wednesday night.

Keith remains a machine.

Evan remains fast.

Beard remains physics-defying.

John remains unbothered by concepts like "hard contact."

Mobil remains undefeated when scoring more runs than the other team.

The team now heads to Vulc Tech, where opposing pitchers have already begun searching for any rule that limits a player to two home runs per game.

Unfortunately for them, no such rule exists.

06/10/2026

Brock's Grand Slam Saves Democracy, Mobil Escapes Robinson

Mobil Softball survived another Tuesday night thriller, defeating Robinson 10-8 in a game that featured 38 combined hits, very little pitching dominance, and enough base runners to qualify for their own zip code.

The win improves Mobil's standing and, perhaps more importantly, gives Brock another week of positive media coverage.

After Robinson jumped out to an early 3-0 lead through two innings, concern briefly spread throughout Mobil's fan base. Fortunately, Mobil's fan base consists mostly of Becky, who remained calm and continued keeping the scorebook with greater accuracy than most professional replay systems.

Then came the third inning.

With the bases loaded, Brock stepped to the plate carrying the weight of the franchise, the expectations of the media, and probably lingering soreness from that baseball game he's been talking about for two weeks. None of it mattered.

Grand slam.

Just like that, Mobil went from trailing to leading 6-3, and reporters immediately began drafting stories about Brock's leadership, toughness, and remarkable ability to produce whenever contract extension discussions begin heating up.

Robinson refused to go away, however. They piled up 19 hits on the night, which is an impressive accomplishment considering Mobil somehow also had 19 hits. Statisticians are still reviewing whether either team actually recorded an out.

On the mound, John earned the victory after allowing 19 hits and eight runs across seven innings. Traditional baseball analysts may raise questions about those numbers. Softball analysts simply nodded and said, "Yep, sounds about right."

Despite the constant traffic on the bases, John kept battling and repeatedly worked out of trouble. Sources indicate his strategy consisted primarily of throwing strikes and hoping somebody eventually hit the ball directly at a Mobil defender.

Remarkably, that plan worked.

Marshall continued his recent hot streak with three hits, including a home run that landed somewhere between "important insurance run" and "career achievement unlocked." The slugger finished with three hits and two RBIs while quietly building a case for being one of Mobil's most dangerous hitters.

Evan collected two hits and two RBIs while once again covering enough ground in the outfield to make everyone wonder if his socks contain some sort of classified military technology. Witnesses reported seeing him take extra bases with ease before disappearing back into the shadows.

Alex added two hits, continuing his steady season of doing Alex things: hitting the ball hard, playing third base, and generally acting like nothing unusual is happening.

Justin collected two more hits of his own and somehow managed to avoid starting a feud with anyone from Robinson. League officials have confirmed this is considered personal growth.

Keith drove in a run despite only getting two official at-bats. Sources close to the situation indicate he spent much of the evening reminding everyone that home runs are still legal and available to him at any time.

Beard contributed an RBI single. While Statcast has not yet released the exit velocity, experts believe the ball may have required a police es**rt to reach the outfield grass. Nevertheless, it counts exactly the same in the scorebook, which Beard would like everyone to remember.

Ryan picked up a hit and scored a run. Team insiders report he wisely avoided asking Becky any questions about scoring rules this week after recent events nearly resulted in permanent suspension from the hit book.

Grant chipped in a hit and scored a run, while Sonic added another hit and continued proving that speed remains a legitimate baseball strategy.

Robinson mounted one final push in the seventh when Jack launched a two-run homer, cutting the lead to 10-8 and briefly raising everyone's blood pressure. But Mobil held on, securing the victory and avoiding the need for emergency postgame counseling.

Final Notes

Brock: Grand slam, 4 RBIs, media darling.

Marshall: 3 hits, home run, continues his redemption arc.

Evan: Fast.

Beard: RBI single reached the outfield eventually.

Justin: Two hits, zero controversies.

Becky: Flawless scorekeeping performance.

John: Survived 19 hits and somehow got the win.

Mobil returns to action Wednesday against DJ Restoration, where they will attempt the increasingly ambitious strategy of allowing fewer than 19 hits. Whether that happens remains to be seen.

06/04/2026

Pete Returns, Ryan Regrets Everything, Mobil Outlasts Apparently Juiced 1st Responders

After weeks of speculation, rumors, rehab assignments, and approximately 7,000 updates from Pete regarding various body parts, Pete officially returned to the Mobil lineup Wednesday night.

Unfortunately, his return happened during what can only be described as a home run derby disguised as a softball game.

Mobil eventually outlasted 1st Responders 28-19, but not before both teams spent six innings treating the outfield fence like it owed them money.

Coming into the season, 1st Responders were known primarily for occupying Mobil's bleachers and providing moral support. Suddenly, however, they are launching softballs into neighboring zip codes. The Mobil front office has no evidence of wrongdoing, but an investigation into possible juiced bats, performance-enhancing donuts, and suspicious firefighter strength remains ongoing.

The evening began poorly for Mobil when 1st Responders jumped out to an early lead. Then Mobil responded. Then 1st Responders responded. Then Mobil responded again. Then everybody stopped pretending pitching mattered.

By the end of the fourth inning, the scoreboard looked less like a softball game and more like somebody accidentally left a football score on the screen.

The biggest swing belonged to Keith, who launched two home runs and drove in six runs, including a grand slam that briefly restored order to the universe. Justin added a three-run blast of his own, Alex homered, and seemingly every person who stepped into the batter's box found a way to reach base.

But the real story was Pete.

Returning to the lineup for the first time this season, Pete collected multiple hits and immediately reminded everyone why Mobil spent months waiting for him to get healthy. Sources indicate he spent the rest of the night telling everyone his knees felt great, his shoulder felt great, and that he definitely could have scored from first on a double if he'd wanted to.

Meanwhile, Ryan led Mobil with four hits, which under normal circumstances would earn widespread praise.

Unfortunately for Ryan, he committed the evening's greatest error when he made the decision to question Becky regarding a home run ruling.

Witnesses report the discussion lasted approximately twelve seconds.

The consequences, however, may last much longer.

League statisticians have confirmed Ryan's four hits will remain in the official record. Future hits, however, are now considered "day-to-day."

As always, Becky maintained her usual steady presence in the scorebook, though sources close to the situation suggest challenging the official scorer's interpretation of softball rules ranks somewhere between arguing with the IRS and fighting a bear.

Elsewhere, John picked up the win despite surrendering 23 hits. That's not a typo. Twenty-three. In a normal softball game that number would be alarming. In this game it barely cracked the top five craziest things that happened.

Marshall, Alex, Jeremy, Justin, Pete, Tom, Grant, Sonic, Evan, and John all recorded multiple hits as Mobil piled up 31 total knocks.

With the victory, Mobil improves its standing and now turns its attention to Robinson on Tuesday.

The good news is Mobil's bats are red hot.

The bad news is the pitching staff has requested witness protection.

06/03/2026

Mobil Softball Stymied By D&R

There are some games that deserve lengthy recaps.

This was not one of them.

Mobil Softball fell 14-5 to D&R on Tuesday night in a game that lasted approximately six innings and seventeen years.

The evening actually started with a little excitement. Justin launched a three-run home run in the top of the first inning, giving Mobil a 3-0 lead and briefly creating the illusion that this article might be interesting.

Unfortunately, that feeling passed.

D&R scored some runs. Then some more runs. Then later they scored additional runs. There were hits involved. Quite a few, actually. Twenty-three of them, according to the official scorebook, though by the fifth inning nobody was particularly interested in counting anymore.

Mobil collected 13 hits of their own, which sounds respectable until you look at the scoreboard.

Justin finished 2-for-4 with the home run and three RBIs. Team sources expect him to spend the next several days mentally replaying every pitch from the game while staring silently into space. By Friday he'll either have forgotten the game entirely or developed a comprehensive offseason training program despite it being June.

Colby added two hits and handled seven chances at shortstop. Speaking of Colby, several reporters requested clarification on his relationship to Justin. The official answer is that they're "technically" half-brothers. The unofficial answer is that every time someone explains the family tree, three more relatives appear and everyone leaves more confused than when they started. We've reviewed the evidence and can confirm only that they're related and both play softball for Mobil.

Ryan collected two hits. Sonic added two hits and a double. Hudson Scott picked up two hits as well, continuing a solid return to the Mobil lineup while Snowbird Scott remains somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line, presumably tracking weather patterns and waiting for temperatures to rise another three degrees before making an appearance.

Mobil played a clean game defensively and did not commit an error.

That's the entire paragraph. That's the update.

Players not in attendance included Brock, Beard, Alex, Evan, Pete, John, and Tom. Brock's absence was noted, and as always, the media remains steadfast in its support of Brock despite whatever imaginary grievances he may currently have with said media.

As for Evan, theories continue to circulate. Some believe he was in the gym. Others believe he was carrying heavy objects somewhere for fun. One unconfirmed report suggested he was buying another pair of character socks. At this time, no official statement has been released.

One highlight of the evening came from the bleachers, where members of the 1st Responders squad once again showed up to support Mobil. While the game itself may not have provided much entertainment value, seeing actual fans in the stands remains a welcome development for an organization that has traditionally played in front of approximately Becky and whoever happened to be walking their dog nearby.

Eventually the game ended.

Mercifully.

Mobil will attempt to generate a more compelling storyline Wednesday night when they face 1st Responders. Team officials remain optimistic that future articles will contain at least one dramatic moment, controversial call, or bizarre incident worth discussing.

Because this one sure didn't.

05/29/2026

Between the Lines: On Location at Jette Field

Bud & Chaz Postgame Report

BUD: Good evening from Jette Field, where Chaz and I almost turned around and went home after the first inning.

CHAZ: We probably should have.

BUD: We arrived just in time to watch Mobil commit back-to-back errors to start the game. Two batters in, it looked like we were about to witness an all-time disaster.

CHAZ: I was already halfway through writing a column called "Mobil Experiments With Not Catching The Ball."

BUD: Instead, those ended up being the only real mistakes of the night.

What followed was one of Mobil's most complete performances of the season.

After the rocky opening, Justin settled into the circle, the defense locked in, and Mobil rolled to a 16-0 mercy-rule victory over Vulc Tech, allowing just two hits all night.

Not bad for a team that looked like it was auditioning for a blooper reel thirty seconds into the game.

---

Beard Headlines Another Win

At this point, we're running out of ways to say it.

When Mobil needs a big hit, The Beard usually delivers.

Thursday night was no exception.

Beard finished 3-for-3 with four RBIs, including a towering third-inning grand slam that removed any remaining suspense from the evening.

BUD: Every time Beard comes to the plate lately, something good happens.

CHAZ: Usually after spending the previous inning explaining why softball is harder than everyone thinks it is.

The grand slam highlighted a three-hit night that continued what has quietly become one of the hottest stretches of Beard's Mobil career.

---

Justin Dominates On Both Sides

Justin's stat line was absurd.

- 2-for-2
- Home run
- 5 RBIs
- Complete-game shutout

His three-run homer in the first got Mobil on the board, and his two-run single in the second helped break the game open.

Meanwhile, in the circle, he allowed just two hits over five innings and never really looked challenged.

BUD: That's leadership.

CHAZ: That's what happens when Justin gets to focus on softball instead of arguing with Ty from Sousa.

---

The Colby Conversation

Now let's discuss what everyone in the stands wasn't talking about—but everyone on social media probably will.

With Brock unavailable Thursday night, Colby slid over to shortstop and turned in one of his best all-around performances of the season.

- 3-for-3
- Two runs scored
- Played all five innings at shortstop

And suddenly, the rumors have started.

Is Mobil quietly preparing Colby to become the team's starting shortstop?

Nobody from the front office has commented.

Nobody from the coaching staff has commented.

Brock certainly hasn't commented.

But after another strong performance from the rookie, the speculation isn't going away.

BUD: Brock's been a cornerstone player for this team.

CHAZ: True.

BUD: So we're not starting a controversy.

CHAZ: We're not starting it. We're just reporting that people who definitely aren't us are talking about it.

For now, Mobil insists everything is normal.

Still, it feels like a storyline worth monitoring.

---

Contributions Everywhere

The scary part for future opponents?

It wasn't just Beard and Justin.

Marshall went 2-for-2 and launched a three-run homer of his own.

Jeremy collected two hits while successfully avoiding any league investigation regarding his footwear.

Tom, Grant, and Sonic each added two hits.

Ryan doubled and drove in a run.

Evan chipped in an RBI single while once again covering enough ground in the outfield to make three separate outfielders unnecessary.

Even Keith collected a hit and, according to eyewitnesses, only attempted to pull the ball into the parking lot once.

Mobil finished with 22 hits, turning what looked like a competitive game early into a rout.

---

Final Thoughts

BUD: Mobil picks up another win and now turns its attention to D&R on Tuesday.

CHAZ: That's the one.

BUD: You sound excited.

CHAZ: D&R doesn't care about your batting average. They don't care about your home runs. They don't care about your social media posts.

BUD: Anything else?

CHAZ: If you're a Mobil hitter, spend some time in the cage this weekend.

BUD: They scored sixteen runs tonight.

CHAZ: And D&R still doesn't care.

For one night, though, Mobil leaves Jette Field with a 16-0 victory, a two-hit shutout, another Beard headline, and a fresh round of completely unconfirmed shortstop rumors.

Whether the Colby-at-shortstop discussion is real or not, one thing is certain:

If Mobil keeps pitching and hitting like this, the front office may have bigger problems than deciding who plays shortstop.

D&R awaits.

05/28/2026

📢 Brock Powers Mobil Past Sousa In Wednesday Night Slugfest

Mobil Softball and Sousa combined for 49 hits, 34 runs, approximately zero healthy pitching arms, and at least three people questioning whether defense was still technically part of softball Wednesday night, as Mobil survived a wild 19-15 shootout.

At the center of it all was Brock, who launched two home runs and drove in six runs, including a fourth inning grand slam that completely flipped the game on its head.

The funny part? Brock spent most of the evening reminding everyone within earshot that he was “barely able to move” after pitching in a baseball game earlier in the week.

Mobil trailed early after Sousa stormed out to a 4-0 lead in the first inning behind a three-run blast from Warren. Sousa never really stopped hitting after that either, piling up 23 total hits in one of the loudest offensive nights of the season.

But Mobil’s lineup simply refused to let the game get away.

Sonic got the comeback started with a solo home run in the second inning, continuing what has quietly become one of the more reliable power stretches on the roster. Ryan added three hits and three RBI of his own, while Tom, Scott, Grant, Evan, Marshall, and John all recorded multiple hits.

And then there was Beard.

Again.

At this point, opposing third basemen may need to start charging a consulting fee every time Beard steps into the box. Somehow — despite appearing to hit the ball with the exit velocity of a lawn bowling ball — Beard produced yet another legendary slow roller down the third base line for a single.

No one understands it anymore. Not even Sousa.

Mobil finally broke the game open in the fourth inning with a massive nine-run outburst. Brock’s grand slam brought the dugout to life, but the inning also featured contributions all throughout the lineup as Sousa struggled to slow the avalanche.

To their credit, Sousa never backed down. Brian finished an absurd 5-for-5 with four RBI, while Warren added four RBI himself. Every time Mobil seemed ready to pull away, Sousa answered with another loud inning.

John earned the win for Mobil, gutting through all seven innings in what can only be described as a “survival appearance.” The right-hander surrendered 23 hits, but continued attacking the zone all night long and trusted Mobil’s offense to eventually out-slug the chaos.

Defensively, Mobil managed to turn a double play in the middle of the madness — which honestly felt a little disrespectful considering how offensive the game had been up until that point.

Perhaps most surprising of all: despite a combined 49 hits and 34 runs, no Ty-versus-Justin courtroom drama was recorded Wednesday night due to Justin’s absence. League officials are calling it “a statistical anomaly.

After the game, players could reportedly still hear Brock discussing his soreness while carrying the postgame home run balls back to the parking lot.

Mobil improves its momentum heading into Thursday night’s matchup against Vulc Tech Auto Repair, where the biggest question may simply be whether anyone has enough energy left to swing a bat again.

05/22/2026

BETWEEN THE LINES: HEARTBREAK UNDER THE LIGHTS

Mobil Falls 11-10 in Extra-Inning Gut Punch; Newsroom Required Additional Recovery Time

We’d like to begin tonight’s report with an apology for the delayed publication.

Frankly, the newsroom needed time.

Time to reflect.
Time to heal.
Time to ask why a team can wait until the brink of death to remember how to hit.

Because Thursday night against D&R? That one had some emotional mileage.

This wasn’t your standard beer league softball game where everyone trades a few laughs and heads home by 11 with a pulled hamstring and a lukewarm Gatorade.

This one had juice.

And in one of the more shocking developments in recent Mobil history…

Mobil had fans.

Yes, actual fans.

The 1st Responders crew (Hudson’s Finest) packed the stands and were loudly backing Mobil all night, creating the bizarre and unfamiliar sensation of positive public support.

Mobil players were reportedly confused but appreciative.

Unfortunately, good vibes alone don’t stop line drives.

D&R COMES OUT THROWING HAYMAKERS

D&R wasted no time, piling up hit after hit like they were being paid per base runner.

By the middle innings, Mobil found themselves staring at an 8-0 deficit, while the dugout mood hovered somewhere between “mild concern” and “checking weather apps to see if lightning might help.”

D&R finished with 20 hits, because apparently every ball they touched found grass.

Meanwhile, Mobil’s bats spent the early part of the night conducting a group social experiment on delayed offense.

JUSTIN REFUSES TO GO QUIETLY

While some hitters were doing interpretive dance with their bats, Justin decided he’d simply carry the offense himself.

The veteran went 4-for-4, launching a two-run homer and adding three singles because apparently making outs was beneath him Thursday.

Just a clinic.

Which brings us to a quick note for certain unnamed teammates:

Off days are a wonderful opportunity for:

batting cage sessions

tee work

soft toss

hand-eye coordination drills

perhaps a quick YouTube search for “timing a slow pitch softball”

This message is sent with love.

Mostly.

THEN... MARSHALL AUTHORED CINEMA

Down late, Mobil finally showed signs of life.

Justin’s bomb cracked the door open.

Then the sixth inning happened.

And if you had Marshall grand slam on your bingo card, congratulations—you are either psychic or a liar.

With Mobil desperate for a miracle, Marshall unloaded on a pitch and sent it to center for a grand slam that detonated the dugout and likely altered local weather patterns.

A grand slam.

For Marshall.

This may be the single greatest athletic moment of his adult life.

Children may someday hear stories.

Family group chats are absolutely unbearable tonight.

The seven-run inning flipped the entire game, giving Mobil a stunning 9-8 lead, and suddenly the impossible felt very, very possible.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

D&R answered immediately, tying the game in the seventh because of course they did.

Then in the eighth, Seth launched a two-run homer to rip the air right back out of the Mobil dugout.

Brock answered with a solo shot of his own—because Brock enjoys emotional chaos—but the final rally fell one run short.

Ballgame.

Pain.

FINAL BOX SCORE THOUGHTS

Justin: 4-for-4, 3 RBI, absolute warrior effort
Brock: 3 hits, homer, doing Brock things without needing a press conference
Marshall: 1-for-3, 4 RBI, now accepting autograph requests
Sonic: multi-hit night, quietly productive
Jeremy: 3 walks, proving patience remains a virtue
Evan: drove in 2 because the quiet ones are always dangerous

FINAL THOUGHT FROM THE DESK

Losses like this sting because Mobil proved they can battle.

They erased eight runs.
They grabbed the lead.
They had momentum.
They had fans.

But if this team would prefer fewer heroic comeback attempts and slightly healthier blood pressure levels...

Some individual batting work between games may be in order.

Because while Marshall grand slams are magical…

Building the offense around that as a weekly business model feels wildly irresponsible.

05/21/2026

BETWEEN THE LINES: MOBIL 17, DJ RESTORATION 10

“The Mermaid Bat, The Metal Cleats, and Absolute Offensive Nonsense”

Mobil Softball continued its campaign of offensive destruction Wednesday night, steamrolling DJ Restoration 17-10 behind 24 hits, two Alex moonshots, and one extremely suspicious Beard single.

Let’s begin where we must.

THE MERMAID BAT RETURNS 🧜‍♀️

Some questioned Alex bringing the mermaid bat back into active rotation.

Those people are now respectfully asked to sit down.

Alex went a ridiculous 4-for-4 with 2 home runs, 4 RBI, and 3 runs scored, continuing what appears to be a legally questionable relationship between man and enchanted lumber.

If the bat stays hot, league officials may need to inspect it for seashell residue.

EVAN NIGHT.

Quiet? Usually.

Not Wednesday.

4-for-4. Triple. 2 RBI. 3 runs scored.

And frankly, the box score doesn’t tell the whole story.

Evan was absolutely flying on the bases all night, taking extra bags, forcing rushed throws, and generally making DJ Restoration look like they were trying to defend a track meet.

And in the outfield? Covering enough ground to make center fielders across the league uncomfortable.

Justin has long claimed that “his leg muscles have muscles.”

Wednesday offered compelling evidence.

Of course, we can’t confirm whether the performance was fueled by athleticism alone or by whatever supernatural powers are contained in Evan’s increasingly unhinged collection of character socks. At this point, league testing may be warranted.

BEARD’S MOST QUESTIONABLE HIT OF THE YEAR

Official scorer says single.

Science remains unconvinced.

Beard recorded a hit on what eyewitnesses described as a popup to shallow right with the exit velocity of a gently tossed dinner roll.

It landed.

It counts.

Nobody has to be happy about it.

JEREMY’S FOOTWEAR INVESTIGATION

We are simply asking questions.

Jeremy reportedly took the field wearing metal cleats, which feels… ambitious for slowpitch softball.

This only strengthens the case for his immediate sponsorship by the Mobil-ity 603s™, the revolutionary softball cleat built specifically for men who enjoy skirting the rules.

THE OFFENSIVE ONSLAUGHT

Mobil wasted absolutely no time.

7 runs in the first inning.

Brock 3-run homer

Evan RBI triple

Evan scores on a tag-up

Scott RBI single

Marshall RBI single

And because apparently that wasn’t enough...

5 more runs in the second.

Beard drove one in.

Alex launched his first homer.

Sonic joined the party.

Justin scored on a sac fly.

Then Alex added ANOTHER bomb in the fourth because subtlety is dead.

DJ Restoration deserves credit—they collected 15 hits of their own and kept things interesting longer than most teams survive against this lineup.

But Mobil’s offense simply had no off switch.

THE ENDING 😂

Absolute cinema.

Game ends on a 7-6-3 double play after the DJ runner at second apparently forgot one of baseball’s more basic concepts: tagging up.

Shortstop to pitcher to first.

Handshake line.

Some say he left early.

Others say he was simply embracing an aggressive life philosophy.

FINAL NOTES

John gets the win.

Justin handled relief work (questionably).

Sonic quietly stacked 3 hits and 3 RBI.

Colby continues to look like a problem for opposing defenses.

Beard remains undefeated in the art of emotionally damaging bloop singles.

Next up: D&R.

No rest. No mercy. Pending league review of Jeremy’s footwear choices.

RPM Mobil Softball

06/11/2026

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