02/11/2025
**Match Report Incoming**
So…….it appears the match reports are back. At least on as regular a basis as life allows, to be a voice on the touchline allowing the gaffa Chrissy to concentrate more on missing the target up front. Stepping back into the dugout it was as if I had never been away……..Kelly hadn’t grown, Emily still struggled to find her way out of the changing room despite it only having one door, and Katie’s shorts were still too tight despite her lending a pair off me.
The league has changed much in my year long stint away, with many new teams entering, in particular seeing reserve sides from clubs much higher up the pyramid come into the fold. Today we face one of those sides in the shape of Gateshead Rutherford reserves.
As the Bridge lasses assembled and passed my pre-match challenge, they were boosted to no end at having a substitute this week, and one who with Katie and her poppadom knees in the starting eleven, was undoubtedly going to called upon in the opening 3 minutes. Their bubble soon burst however, at the realisation that Rutherford had also brought their third team, their bench bristling with a choice of 36 substitutes. This was going to be a long day!!
As the autumn wind began to bite, the ref blew the whistle to get the proceedings underway. Bridge lined up in a traditional four-four-f*cking-two formation, against Rutherford’s formation that felt like 8-8-4. A lively Rutherford side pressed from the off and soon, twice found a way past Emily in the Bridge goal despite her cat like behaviour, and by that. No not her acrobatics, more that she coughed up a hairball and buried her own sh*te behind the goal. The away side soon added a couple of worldie finished to this to gain a 4 lead with much of the game still to play.
But slowly Bridges concentration began to build and despite being on the backfoot, defended as a unit to stifle attacks, and, on occasion launch their own. The home defence of Jo-Jo, Baz, Izzy and Leah stood up to barrage of attacks with vigour, with last ditch tackles being the order of the day, and despite reports of this overstretching leading to another unfortunate incident for Jo-Jo like 2 weeks ago she was keen to confirm these rumours were untrue. A very personal matter for Jo-Jo so I won’t disclose what happened a fortnight ago, but she was keen to confirm “no I did not shart myself on the pitch again today!!”
In midfield the placid duo of Rose and Myra (aka Katie and Chloe) kept busy with tackles and trying to set attacks off when possible. Either side of them Ellie and Gemma supported the front duo of Chrissy and Kelly.
After striking another twice, the half was rounded off with a Morrison party trick who caught a shot that was going wide and threw it into her own net to round the half off at 7-0.
A chance to catch breath and take on board refreshments which some took too literally, as Katie feigned injury so she could devour a Greggs bundle on the bench, and for those partaking in the below post to guess what she had, the answer was…..
”one of everything, except a vegan sausage roll”
Congrats to Amy Tweddle on being the winning entry, the lucky winner stated “I just knew she’s greedy, but unlike me loves her meat”.
The game got back underway with Rhiann taking Gregg’s place in midfield, and it was clear my words of motivation hit home as Rutherford made it 8-0 within a minute of the restart. I love it when a plan works.
Bridge continued to battle for every ball, with even the shortest player in the league (title to be contested with Danie when we play New Fordley, someone bring a tape measure) winning header after header, helped by her massive honey-comb quiff that accounts for 35% of her height.
At this point I must pause the sarcasm and highlight the teams thanks to Emily who has stepped into the goalkeeper vacancy left by Shauna emigrating to Scotland. A position alien to her but she has given it her all!! Thank you.
But Emily, bringing the p*ss taking back, when Chrissy shouts your name as your about to kick downfield, it means she’s asking for the ball so no need to keep asking “what?”.
The second half rumbled on and despite seeing some very heavy challenges, though mostly fair, it was played in great spirit with no malice, even Chloe smiled at one point.
The game perhaps summed up when Rutherford made subs and replaced most of their team in one go, as I look at the bench to see Miss White putting deep heat on with a butter knife. Realising she was in pain and had given her all, I sent her on for the remainder of the match to burn off that last steak bake.
The match…..well that finished a mighty 14-0. Do I regret coming back, absolutely not (yet). The lasses battled for every ball and never gave up. Proud of them, we just need a few more of them so if anyone reading this fancies being the subject of the above literary abuse every week….drop us a message.
Up the Bridge!!!
Fines of the day:
Kelly- POTM
Izzy- Diva of the day
Emily- “what?”
Leah- 10% winnings from footy card
Chloe- Messing team photo up
Special mention to Rutherford Ladies reserves for being great visitors.
