09/04/2021
**Posted a couple of days ago on my personal page, was going to do an abbreviated version here but decided just to share it all 😂**
**Warning – extra long post!
So I’ve been trying to stay off fb and I’ve not posted in over 5 weeks but my last radiotherapy was today and I think that signifies a wee (ok a bloody long!) celebratory post. I can’t quite believe I’m at the end of active treatment as it only seems two minutes ago that I was about to start. My skin is a little red and apparently this can get worse over the next couple of weeks before it gets better. So just to keep an eye on it and keep moisturising. There’s no bell to ring like there used to be, maybe due to Covid restrictions but I came home and rang one anyhow! It’s all a bit surreal really, although I’ve finished active treatment (chemo/radio) I’m still going to be on hormone therapy for the next 10 years. I know I’m lucky with the type of breast cancer I have that I can get hormone therapy which is an injection given by a nurse every 28 days (I’ve had 2 already) and also daily tablets. I have to set an alarm for these because even though I had loads of meds after every chemo, trying to remember to take one tiny pill at roughly the same time every day is a challenge!
So yeah, what now? It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster but I’ve always been very determined to get through each part, whether it was surgery, chemo, radio and just all the side effects of that combined. There was always a plan, you just went along with what the oncologist or the nurses told you was happening and my way of coping was always one day at a time. I couldn’t really think much ahead as I was always so focused on the current treatment. I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow and it will be to see how I’ve gotten on and to let me know what is happening next. I will probably be getting bisphosphonate infusions every 6 months as a side effect of the hormone treatment is osteoporosis. There’s friggin side effects for everything and it just depends on how lucky you are what you get or don’t get. This post would be a million words long just going into all the side effects from everything! And then as far as I know there’s the yearly mammogram and maybe 6 monthly oncologist check ups? There’s no scans or anything after unless there’s a reason to be concerned. It’s getting to know your body and if something doesn’t feel right then getting it checked out.
So because I had surgery first, they just presume you’re cancer free and the chemo and radio are like insurance. But who knows, that is always the worry that there might be stray cancer cells kicking about or it’s in another area. You just have to trust that the treatment has worked and unless you find any new lumps or bumps or soreness anywhere then you’re winning so to speak. I don’t really have the what if it comes back scenario in my head, but I’m sure it’s probably there in the back of my head.
Cancer definitely changes you, mentally, emotionally and physically. There’s no going back, only forward as that’s the only way to get through. There’s no point thinking ‘why me’, (I’ve never actually thought this but I can see why it’s easy to think this) it’s out of your control so one thing I’ve learned is focus on the things you can control and try not to get too anxious about the things you can’t. I’ve been through all the emotions under the sun and believe me there has been some really down days and some really crazy thoughts and overthinking lots of stuff. So not like me but that’s what the drugs do to you and I wouldn’t wish these dark days on anyone. Your mental health really suffers which is why it was so important for me to get out and get fresh air and walk. Oh and of course seeing friends or just chatting or facetiming with someone made such a difference. It has been challenging for everyone this last year due to Covid and restrictions but when you’re also supposed to be shielding it just makes it that little bit harder. For those that know me well, know I’m pretty sociable and this has been torture for me! I can’t wait for gigs and parties again and I’ll be drinking the largest glass of gin or prosecco there is!
So back to the what now? Someone please tell me what that is, as after today I have no plan and I have no clue how to live my life like it was before. I don’t even know if I want to go back to my life pre cancer. There is a lot of uncertainty I feel right now with regards to my job/career, relationships, where I’m living, pretty much most aspects of my life. I do know I’m supposed to be kind to myself and give myself a chance to recover from this and then I can start to think a bit more seriously about these things. Being self employed, being a single mum, renting a flat all have their own issues and struggles. I often joke about winning the lotto every week as that would defo solve a lot of things! Of course it’s not all about money, it’s about your family and your friends and who has supported you through this craziness.
It’s hard for folk to understand, as it is with anything you go through, (divorce, a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, being a single mum) and although people can emphasise and be supportive they just don’t get it. And I’m not expecting them to get it unless they’ve been through the same and this is why it’s important to reach out and talk to people going through the same thing. There are breast cancer groups I dip in and out of on fb, but I’ve gotten to know and even meet a few amazing girls from this and we have ranted and moaned and cried and listened to each other and I’m so thankful for this.
Anyhow as usual I’m rambling and I’m defo not expecting everyone to read this far at all, but I just wanted to get down how I was feeling. Few wee pics from the pond at The Beatson, my cake from my mum, flowers from my dad, bell from Adam and fab lunch that my sister organised for us today. So glad it was a lovely sunny day, it really made all the difference. I’ve had so many people telling me I’m so brave and inspirational and lots of other lovely things. I’m not at all in the slightest, I’ve just been getting on with it and now a new chapter begins whatever that may be x
