Life with Hanna-Jane, Ebbw Vale (2026)

09/09/2023

Going solo can be scary, but as they say, growth comes from stepping outside of your comfort zone.

I have always believed that I have been 'solo' for a long time. Even in my relationship I was a solo parent.

I am fiercely independent and rarely ask for help.

Buuuut...

This Thursday I realised that there is (was) a certain lack of confidence around doing certain things, that I'd like to enjoy, ALONE.

Could I go to a show solo? I have happily gone to a pub to read quietly with a drink in front of the fire but would I feel comfortable to go out to eat alone?

The kids were back at school so I decided to take advantage of the weather and park my ass on the beach with a flask of coffee, a pasty and a book.

It was wonderful.

I fully intended on going for a swim too.

The longer I sat the more mind monkeys chattered away.

"People will watch you"
"What if you get a cramp and drown? Who will know?"
"Maybe later...or another time...you've had a good day so far"

Now as someone who dresses like an oversized toddler a lot of the time I was quite surprised to be fazed at the first 'worry'!

As you can see by the picture, I had my swim! 😁

The point being that, although I feel as though I've covered quite some ground in my healing journey, I realise that it is a continuous act.

It was no great shakes to dust the sand off my butt and stroll down to the waters edge in real time but there was a little ni**le trying to stop me.

F**k that!

I thoroughly enjoyed my day off.
I felt peace and joy. Internally. Not relying on external factors.
I soothed my soul.
Best of all?
I reinforced that I really can do what I want on my own! 😊

I think now it's time for me to see what else I can actively enjoy by being at peace with going solo. Who knows? I may even take a trip on my own one day!

Don't get me wrong. It's always wonderful to share your experiences with others but now I know, that if I don't have an 'other' to participate in an activity with, I shouldn't let it stop me....and neither should you. 😉

Have a wonderful weekend!

Hanna Jane xx

13/05/2023

Hindsight is an amazing thing!
This popped up on my memories yesterday and I thought I'd put my twopenneth worth in...

Yes. No one would have believed how loving, attentive, happy etc he was. It shocked me enough to actually post about it! 😂

Now I see it for what it was.

The lockdown gave him what he wanted.
FULL attention.
UNDIVIDED loyalty
TOTAL isolation
Of me and the children, so that he was 100% the one in charge and centre focus of his world.
He had constant supply 24/7
A narcissists dream come true!

Funny that! 😏

13/05/2023

I have reached 100 followers! Thank you for your continued support. I could not have done it without each of you. 🙏🤗🎉

01/01/2023

What a difference a year makes!
First pic was a year ago to the day... Haggard, worn, a shell of my former self...
2nd pic was 2 hours ago...
Enjoying my shift in work, independent, awake, FREE!

This year has had its challenges and yes, the transition was scary and I doubted my decision plenty, BUT the peace of mind and freedom that has come from ending a toxic 11 year relationship has totally outweighed any negatives.

This year, resolutions or not, don't let ANYONE dull your sparkle.
Seriously, your life is your own and you will never be happy if you love it for someone else. You deserve better and there IS life on the other side.

Happy New year all!

Hanna Jane xx

24/12/2022

The first Christmas just me and the 3 🎄
It sure has been a year!
It's been a strange one admittedly.
Usually I am SO full of Christmas cheer... I think in an effort to compensate for the negativity that came from my scroogey ex, I'd double down on the festivities to try and make it magical for the kids.

Now we no longer have a toxic presence I almost feel drained of it, and although the kids are doing a hell of a lot better than I'd ever have imagined, I think it has taken a toll on them too.

They tried to call their dad again tonight to wish him a merry Christmas but he changed his number a few weeks ago.
They called their paternal grandparents instead and sang a Carol down the phone but were only wished the briefest of Christmas greetings before they were hung up on.

There has been no contact from either of them. No cards. No calls. No presents.

It breaks my heart for these beautiful little souls as I hold them and reassure them that it isn't because of them.

I hope the adage is true that 'an absent parent is better than an abusive one' and I hope that they continue to grow and thrive into strong, secure individuals who are nothing like either of their parents.

This Christmas sure will be a different one but I'm sure that the love from other family and friends, both near and far, will reassure them of their worth.

We have made a few new traditions and kept some old ones too. This is us reading the night before Christmas before checking the norad tracker and getting into bed.

Merry Christmas all. And to all a good night xx

21/12/2022

Goal completed ✔️
Coming from a financially abusive relationship I had a very simple goal in mind...

I wanted to be able to afford to tip the binmen at Christmas 😊

It is 10 months to the day that I have left that relationship and I was able to tip both the binman and the recycling fella with paper money!

Not to mention I am now working, have bought Christmas presents for family and friends (which I haven't been able to for years) AND have even amassed a small savings pot.

Until I see things like this for what they are, I don't really realise how far I have come in such a short time.

I never was one for New years' either... This year I'm looking forward to 2023 to receive more of what I've missed for so long 😁

Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy Winter solstice 🌲 xx

31/07/2022

Here is an analogy/metaphor for you.
(feel free to correct - I'm genuinely not sure! 😂)

For those still thinking of the toxic person and likely missing them because of their trauma bond...

A year ago I went sugar free, for health benefits, not for weight or anything.
I fell off that wagon when my relationship ended but I have continued to omit sugar in my coffee.

Now, before I started that journey I couldn't imagine going without sugar in coffee! In my mind it was vile,bitter and unpalatable, but I did it and got around to enjoying it unsweetened.

Today, for some obscure reason, I sugared my coffee...

In my minds eye I thought that it would be OK. After all, I'd enjoyed it for DECADES with sugar hadn't I? 🤔

I was WRONG!
The first sip was OK.
The sweetness hit my taste buds and was slightly pleasant.
The more I drank, the more I realised that I didn't want it, it no longer gave me satisfaction.
It coated my mouth and left an aftertaste.
My body knew that it wasn't right for me anymore.

If you are tempted to reach out to your toxic ex then please think of my coffee...
You have changed.
You have grown.
You have adjusted.
Your physical self KNOWS it isn't good for you.
And although the first sip may feel slightly comforting because it's familiar it will get worse over time.
Don't force yourself to continue to get over the unpleasantness.

I'm off to make a fresh cup of how I prefer it these days. ☕
So should you. 😘

Love Hanna Jane xx

30/07/2022

A simple exchange with my mum.
A lot of love between us.
But still read into it wrongly because of how my brain has been trained by a series of toxic relationships....

You see, we had arranged to pop in and see her yesterday, I ended up cancelling as the kids weren't playing ball.

Managed to get them out of the house by bribing them with a milkshake that I'd promised them, for being good for the sitters this week, while I'd been at work.

So I text mum back.

I didn't realise that she was busy so only using the standard responses through her watch but I'd read it so much differently.

From past experiences and my 'training' over the years I took it that she was pi**ed off.

There were no kisses, just one word answers, no 'thanks' - ill admit I was slightly triggered. 😔

The difference?

Now that I am healing from narcissistic abuse I was able to ask her if I'd upset her rather than 'fawn' and pander to whatever mood that I had perceived she may have been in.

I was also able to, eventually, make the distinction that people who ACTUALLY love us don't use those tactics to manipulate us and sometimes there is a reason behind what we are reading into.

Actually having a conversation about it, clearing up the confusion, and laughing about my neurosis was healthy and validating for me.

We don't have to walk on eggshells people! If you are, it's time you start looking after yourself before you lose your identity.

Mine is feeling safer to be seen again. ❤️

I am getting better every day 😁
LOTS of love

Hanna Jane xx

17/07/2022

This popped up on my personal memories today... The first time I left the Nex...
It's just to show how LONG it can take to finally realise your abuse and eventually leave.

I unknowingly set a hard boundary with this attempt. It was the first and last time that he was ever physical (he threw something at me in a rage as I was nursing our son) and sadly, because it was the last time, I believed that there was remorse and change.

Little did I know that the change was only in place because he could see that it would not be tolerated and I had removed his supply immediately so he wouldn't jeopardise that happening again.

I was suckered back in believing that he was so crushed that he couldn't eat or sleep (he is very good at playing the victim) and ignored the other red flags.

Such as insisting on seeing our son yet spending the whole time engaging in a verbal onslaught of manipulation, reasoning and blame so that I felt guilty.

He didn't even hold our beautiful baby who was dull of smiles for daddy because "it was too painful"

The photo is of my dog who he drove over 200 miles to Cornwall one day to abandon outside my sisters house, tied up to a lamppost, only to return within 24hours banging on my mum's door to get him back again. 😔

I managed to physically leave him that time and had attempted a few more both before and after this incident.

It is true. It takes several attempts to finally be free of your abuser. Usually because we are good people.
We don't want to hurt others.
We like to think that there is an element of humanity within.
We want to be the reason that someone 'does better'
We want to believe in the false promises and imagined love that we thought that we had experienced.

Call it naivety, call it stupidity, call it empathy or optimism.

S**t, even call it trauma bonding or co-dependency, which is most likely.

But whatever you do be patient.
With the people you see going through it or yourself living it.

It WILL get better when you're free x

13/07/2022

I read something the other day that I'll share now in case it helps anyone.

It was something along the lines of
"if you take a picture of a beautiful sunset or a flower and the photo doesn't do it justice, you don't call the object ugly"

Case in point is this glorious, moving red sunset that I have tried to share.

Yes, my camera is a bit crap, but this photo doesn't even catch a fraction of its essence.

Remember that when or if you moan about a picture of yourself or judge a photo of someone else.

True beauty can't always be captured ❤️

Beautiful ending to a wonderful day. (and they are becoming more frequent in many ways 😊)

Goodnight gorgeous people

Hanna Jane xx

03/07/2022

TMI warning...
In case family read this! 😜

I saved this bedding from the relationship, as I had been selling old clothes and bits and bobs to be able to afford it, and I loved it.

It arrived last month and I stored it away.

Yesterday I decided to put it on my bed.

The first thing that I noticed was how dingy it looked to me now and the second was the smell...

It was OUR scent...

A plethora of emotions hit me as I inhaled memories, good and bad, the most significant of all was of our s*x life.

The Nex was actually a remarkable and generous lover, no tenderness or 'love making' but it was HOT.... and I miss it more than him or what we had.

I decided to keep the sheets on anyway and satisfy my urges with B.O.B (battery operated boyfriend 😜)
So that perhaps I could feel once more what we had as I breathed in his smell that had ingrained into the pillowcase.

Want to know the odd thing?

It actually had the adverse effect!!

It took me ages to come! (I know it's 'cum' but I'm weird about that spelling! 🤣)

I don't know why, and I'm taking it as a good sign, maybe I am healing faster than I imagined?
Along with the fact that in a day or two all that 'scent' that remains of him will be erased by mine...

The smell of freedom, love, patience, resilience and tenacity.

If you haven't recently... Go love yourself 😜

Hanna Jane xx

Life with Hanna-Jane

09/09/2023

13/05/2023

13/05/2023

01/01/2023

24/12/2022

21/12/2022

31/07/2022

30/07/2022

17/07/2022

13/07/2022

03/07/2022

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