04/04/2026
DSC 35s 6-0 Eastfield
This was a very Good Friday for the home side. Six goals to scud, leaving the hapless visitors scourged and crucified, with no chance of resurrection.
There was an Easter theme all week, with Eastfield’s observant Christians pleading for the match to be postponed, complaining many of their players would be elsewhere come Friday night. No mercy was shown by the ruthless over35s leadership, who have the scent of a second league title in their nostrils. Indeed Coach Mcavoy’s heathens turned out to a man: full squad. Although it must be said Captain ‘Oco’ Melvin was looking very sprightly, likely due to his attendance at Holy Thursday Mass the night before…
McAvoy again opted for his thrilling 4-3-3 formation. Crowds have been flocking to see the champions, whose rampant ways have continued into the new season. Only the Easter Holiday can reasonably explain why tonight’s match attendance was close to zero. And this blistering form is all the more credible, given three of last year’s league-winning stars are long term absentees. Neil McInnes’s shrapnel wounds from the Falklands have been playing up, McClymont is lame with a knee complaint, and ace poacher Wilbert is on loan at Dukla Pumpherston.
Within minutes of kick-off, and with no Hyrox worries hanging over him, Allan Robertson started the match in mean fashion. With ‘Tojo’ Duncanson snarling and upsetting opponents in his usual way, the way was clear for Robertson to hand Dunblane the lead in typically clinical fashion.
And before you could say Narey-Brazil-1982, Dunblane were two up, thanks to the unstoppable Tom Ellerton-Unwin. A few years ago, Coach Mcavoy worked his dark arts in the transfer market, and this burly Englishman shuffled into our lives, warrior-origins unknown. It was soon clear we had a player. TEU’s imposing physique, and sure touch has made him a firm favourite with the DSC faithful.
Tonight, he netted twice in 15 minutes. First, he trapped a sumptuous through ball from McClure, before improvising superbly to toe-poke past the flailing arms of Eastfield’s bearded goal-tender (just like Narey). Minutes later, the lovable Sassenach was at it again – aping another legendary Scotland goal. Cutting inside from the left, he unleashed a thunderous, curling drive beyond poor Blackbeard. This time it was Dalglish-Spain-1984 vintage. For the ignorant among you, Google it! With big Tom in this kind of form, the Dunblane patrons have been heard whispering “Sean Who?”
Half-time: 3-zip. It must be said the visitors did play very neatly on the counter-attack, and had several chances to breech Stewart’s goal.
Balmer, especially, was put to the test with the raids of the visiting left winger. But he was more than a match. Indeed, the bounding Balmer was able to make characteristic driving runs of his own from his right back beat. So much so, that one fears if the perimeter gate were to be opened, he’d run clean out of the stadium with Gump-levels of enthusiasm.
It just wasn’t to be for Eastfield, and as the sleet teemed down, they were beginning to pine for home. Coach Mcavoy meanwhile was eyeing up some changes: he had a multi-million pound bench at his disposal. A cruel observer might remark this is more a reference to weight, but anyway. With a combined age of 845, the subs would put their experience to good use. Cameron Pratt returned from injury, replacing Captain Melvin, who we suspect wanted to catch the last ten minutes of Stations of the Cross at Holy Family Chapel…
There was also a Bob Purves sighting, with Johnstone invited to get out of the rain. Within minutes of the resumption, Dunblane had added a fourth. Blackbeard in the Eastfield goal deserves most of the credit for fumbling pathetically a Donnelly flick into his own net. But MD will take the plaudits, and a goal’s a goal.
By this time, the gnarled veteran Rodger was thrust into the fray. At the grand old age of 68, he’s the oldest player in the team, and one day I expect to see him carried ON as a substitute. But he puts younger men to shame with his energy, speed, and unlimited enthusiasm for raking the shins of opposition defenders. However, aside from close-lining Blackbeard near the end, Rodger was on his best behaviour. He was rewarded with Dunblane’s fifth goal – a fine composed finish, followed by the iconic fist in the air.
By this time, Gerry Gay and Ross Geddes had entered the field. With Gay and Pratt now in defence, tabloid headline writers were seen licking their lips.
There was time for one more. Gay galloped forward as an overlapping centre-half, and managed to smash a blistering volley off the bar without twanging his calf. The enigmatic Purves was there to net the rebound, and the sixth and final goal of the evening.
Coach Mcavoy’s Galacticos are now soaring like an Artemis II rocket. Three heavenly wins from three, and his all-conquering squad wish you all a Happy and Holy Easter.
